Dear Lisi: One of my very good friends is very good friends with a woman whose family has a lot of money. This woman doesn’t work and though her husband does, he doesn’t make as much money as they spend. Its blatantly obvious, especially when you see their gigantic house, their cars and their summer home.
I just don’t understand how people can have so much money and not do good things for the people around them. Why aren’t they volunteering, giving money away, hiring people just for the sake of it? I think it’s selfish and disgusting.
Wealthy Witch
I think you’re jealous and judgmental. Your friend’s friend has clearly been given funds through her family, enough that she doesn’t need to work to pay the bills. And she’s chosen not to for reasons you know nothing about. That’s her choice. It sounds as though her husband also doesn’t NEED to work but does. Good for him.
What they do with their money is none of your business. Do you know for a fact that they don’t volunteer? Or that they’re not philanthropic? I’m guessing you don’t, and you’re simply envious of their lack of financial stress, which affects many more people than not.
Back off.
Dear Lisi: Years ago, I met a woman at a function, and we really hit it off. We were both newly engaged, and we clicked talking about how our lives were about to change dramatically. The more we spoke, the more we realized we were on the same path, and the more time we spent together. We started discussing wedding planning and ended up doing everything together. We had completely opposite ideas of what our ideal wedding should be, so there was no competition, only helpful suggestions, sharing good finds and supportive friendship. Our fiancés both joked that we were spending more time with each other than with them. And we helped each other plan our honeymoons to two totally different locales.
As soon as they got back, she got pregnant. It took me a while longer, for work and medical reasons, and by the time I had my first she already had three. During those years, we remained close, but not as. She was busy and exhausted with three small children, and I was unwell, focused on my career, and on a completely different schedule.
My baby is now six months old and I’m finally coming up for air. I’m realizing that my friend hasn’t been there for me in this first stage of motherhood, even though I’ve reached out for help and friendship several times.
What am I missing?
Fairweather Friend
I’m not sure I’d call her a Fairweather friend, but she may have been what is sometimes referred to as a seasonal friend. Someone who comes into your life for a season, but then the friendship wanes over time when that period in your life changes. It’s very normal and common, more so for women. However, in this situation, it seems a bit odd as you are both in similar “seasons.” It’s up to you…. if you really want the friendship, perhaps pop over with your baby this summer, with treats for her kids, and some time to kill. Or call and make a scheduled visit/park date. She may be just overwhelmed with three kids all under five or six.
But if she still distances, then find other friends with children similar in age to your own. There are loads of baby groups, some that focus on the baby, like music groups, and others that focus on the mom, like stroller-cize.
FEEDBACK regarding the person who disliked your photo (June 4):
Reader – Since you and your mother initially shared the column, a photo of both of you together made perfect sense. And given that the reader knows you are the daughter of the original columnist, it sounds as if he or she has read the column at least a few times. Not sure what "mother/daughter drama" he is referencing — I didn’t see tears, hand-wringing, black eyes or bruising!
People can get irked by tiny things, such as emojis, heart-shaped dots over ‘i’s’, emails that are all in caps, etc. I’m driven nuts by the balletic hand gestures we all use to swipe our phones. But perhaps it’s serious — the reader may have/had a difficult relationship with his/her mother and subconsciously resents those who don’t.
Or maybe email just makes it too easy for all of us (including me!) to share every little thought that comes into our heads.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
