Dear Lisi: Are we bad grandparents? My husband and I both retired at age 60. We travel south for two months in the winter and take a two-week vacation in the fall.
We have four grandchildren: three teenagers and one three-year-old. Once a week, we take our three-year-old to the park, or apple picking, or other things we think he would enjoy.
Every time we tell people we winter south for two months, they ask: “How can you be away from the grandkids for so long?” They then proceed to tell us how much they would miss their grandkids. That they couldn’t do it. We get the same response from at least 50 per cent of everyone we speak with about this topic.
We FaceTime with our grandchildren while we are away. What do you think?
Bad Grandparents?
Absolutely not! There are many grandparents who live in the same city as their grandchildren and see them, or engage with them, less than you do over the course of a year. As you know perfectly well, it’s not the quantity of time that matters, but rather, the quality of that time.
Do your children complain about your absence? Do your grandchildren? They’re the only ones whose opinion matters on this issue.
I think you’re fabulous grandparents for spending one day a week with your three-year-old grandchild. Those are important years, formative years, and to be able to be so hands on is a gift. Many 60-year-olds are still working full days, full weeks. You two are privileged to have retired so young (no matter how it came to be) and you should spend your days as you see fit. If that includes two months down south, enjoy.
If time and finances allow, you could even bring your grandchildren down for a visit – alone for some one-on-one time, or together for family time.
Either way, don’t let other people’s negative comments get under your skin. They’re just jealous.
Dear Lisi: The holidays have got me down and they haven’t even started (Lisi: This email arrived early December and I replied privately). Everyone is talking about their plans, they’re anticipated gifts, they’re much-needed time off, etc. I know what my plans are because they’re the same every year — my wife loves to go carolling on Christmas Eve and insists on dragging my daughters along. One loves it (A), the other does not (B). An argument always ensues in which my daughter (B) begs not to go. I try to appeal on her behalf, my wife fights tooth and nail, and they leave with one daughter crying (A).
Christmas Day always starts out nicely, with hot chocolate and coffee around the tree, and all of us excited to open presents. Unfortunately, my wife always buys one daughter (A) the wrong size (always too small), which then affects her self-esteem, and the tears begin to flow. That and no matter what I get for my wife, she smiles, says it’s lovely but returns it. I always get the same things: a new tie (usually very nice), new socks (necessary) and a book I’ll never read because I don’t read books.
Then we go to my in-laws for a meal and stay much longer than I enjoy, especially because her father makes it known he doesn’t like me.
How can I make this holiday better?
Bah Humbug!
Yikes! Too many traditions that need to be undone. Talk to your wife before the holiday and discuss together what would make it fabulous for you both. She can’t possibly enjoy seeing her daughters’ cry. Help her see that she can enjoy, as can you and the girls, and it doesn’t have to be as it’s always been. Make new traditions, special to your family.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the lonely dad (Nov. 1):
“I have three friends who found love following their divorce or the death of a spouse. The first met her new husband while walking the Camino de Santiago, in Spain. They’ve now been married for about 23 years.
“Another, who had never had a pet, adopted the dog of a close friend who had died and then met her new husband at the dog-walking park in their area. He died recently after about 10 years of marriage. And a third met his new partner in the elevator of his condo. She had moved into the unit above them while his wife was dying, annoying them with all the noise of the move. But a year later they began dating and have been together about eight years.
“So, there’s someone for every income and energy level: travel, walk a dog or just look upstairs!”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email to [email protected].
