Dear Lisi: I have a platonic male friend whom I’ve been socializing with for about 20 years. His wife wasn’t interested in many of his activities and that was OK between them. Then she retired and is now his constant companion. He seems to make all the arrangements for their social life. But I don’t feel any rapport with her. I try to connect with her. If we’re out for coffee, I ask her questions about herself, but she shows no interest in me. That’s OK, but I don’t like faking my feelings. I don’t enjoy them together. Going forward, I want to decline his invitations. If he asks me why, what do I say?
Confused
There are two schools of thought: 1) be honest and upfront right away so as not to drag out the situation or mislead them; 2) make excuses enough times that they stop inviting you altogether.
I don’t like hurting people, but I also don’t like lying. The next time he invites you out, ask if his wife will be joining. If she’s his new constant companion, as you mentioned, then he’ll probably respond with, “Yes. Why?” You can then explain that you find your friendship isn’t the same when it’s the three of you. That doesn’t single her out as the negative; it broadens your reasoning.
You can be honest and tell him that you prefer doing things with just him, but you understand she’s now retired. Hopefully, she’ll get bored of constantly tagging along, will find specific things that she enjoys, and the two of you can have your friendship back. Or not. This may be a forever change.
Dear Lisi: It’s Christmastime, and it seems that everyone has a plan. Whether it’s dinner with friends and family, a trip somewhere warm, a party, or even a movie, everyone is booked. Except me.
I’m living in a small university town, working on my PhD, and don’t have the funds to fly home, which is on the other coast in another country. My mother recently passed away and my father is still grieving. His family are all abroad, so we’ve always celebrated with my mother’s family. But my aunt is also grieving so decided to take her family on a cruise. My grandparents are joining. No one invited my dad, or even mentioned it to him. So, he’ll be alone, and I’ll be alone, in different countries and different time zones.
I’ve only met a few people in my program, and on campus in general, and none are sticking around for the holidays. I’m very afraid I’m going to be extremely depressed and lonely. What do you suggest?
Holiday Help
I’m so sorry for your loss. It all sounds like poor timing and miscommunication. It’s unfortunate that your aunt didn’t invite you and your dad on their trip, but it sounds like it was an oversight.
Travel can be expensive, so I understand why you’re staying put. But let’s try to keep you upbeat and with others, celebrating. Is there a bulletin board of activities, somewhere in your department, or the student union, or other common areas with mention of holiday get-togethers? Is there a bar or restaurant nearby looking for extra help? That’ll keep you busy, around festive people, and you could make a few extra dollars. Is there a place of worship you could attend and join their community gathering?
Basically, keeping busy and being around people are key to keeping yourself from feeling lonely and depressed. And make sure to call your father, AND your family on their cruise.
FEEDBACK Regarding the 35-year-old who lives at home and wants a meeting (Nov. 4):
Reader #1 – “I love your answer!!! I’m hoping his parents wrote this to leave on the table for him to read… after he asked for a meeting.”
Reader #2 – “I have known several people in this situation, sometimes caused by immaturity, other times by the realities of our housing shortage. The first question is whether he pays rent and tends to his own and household needs (cleaning his area, sharing the work of cooking, lawn-mowing, doing his own laundry and care of common areas, etc.). If not, he needs to go.
“But if he is living as a responsible adult, would it be possible to create a separate apartment in a basement or elsewhere (with he and his parents splitting the costs)? He would then be a tenant with the same rights to privacy as any other tenant; the value of the property, given that it has a rental unit, would probably increase; and his parents would benefit from his presence and help as they age.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
