Dear Lisi: I work with a woman who goes out for a smoke break every 60-90 minutes. Usually, she vapes off her e-cigarette, but I know for certain that at least once a day, she’s taking a hit off her THC vape. She thinks we don’t know the difference because she buys two that look almost identical. But we can tell from the smell, the way her eyes glaze and because she doesn’t remove the cannabis sticker from the one that has THC.
I don’t work with her directly, but my co-worker does, and it makes her crazy when she comes in stoned. She’s not as productive, acts silly, sometimes falls asleep at her desk, and is generally unpleasant to be around in a work environment.
Neither of us want her fired, but we don’t want to work with her. What should we do?
Work Bake
The other co-worker, the one who works directly with the smoker, has more stake in this matter, for obvious reasons. But you could both talk to her together — you, supporting your co-worker; and the two of you showing her that it’s more damaging than she realizes.
Tell her that it’s negatively affecting her productivity. Tell her you’re concerned that if you two notice, then certainly your bosses will notice, and you wouldn’t want her to lose her job. If speaking to her doesn’t affect change, then your co-worker may have to request a switch.
Dear Lisi: I have two grown children with children of their own. One year ago, I was diagnosed with double lung cancer, had surgery and the cancer was removed. No radiation or chemotherapy.
I raised my children mostly on my own and they have grown into very successful adults. I often felt that my son was hiding something, which bothered me for years.
When he was a very young boy, we discovered that the man up the street was abusing him and another child. The authorities were involved, and the man went to jail. I was a single parent then with no support from my children’s father.
As my son became an adult, he never kept in touch with me. Not on birthdays, not just to chat, and he never invited me to his home.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was there for me. After my two surgeries, my son sent an email simply saying he’d heard I had “done well.” My daughter was appalled. As a result, she told her father she wouldn’t attend his annual Christmas party because she didn’t want to be near her brother. His wife then called to say that her children would be upset. My daughter was adamant she didn’t want to be around her brother after the way he treated me.
His wife then told my daughter that the reason he hates me so much is because I knew the man who abused him all those years ago and did nothing about it. Which isn’t true! I didn’t know the man, and as soon as I learned what was going on, I did do something.
I’ve since made a move to meet with my son, hopefully to talk calmly about the past, what he believes, what my truths are, and to clear the air as best possible. I would love to have them all over for the holidays this year, but I’m afraid they won’t come. Should I go ahead with the invitation?
Time ticking
Yes! Invite them all to your home. Talk to your son. Assure him you didn’t know about the abuse, or the abuser, but you are there for him NOW. Apologize for wasted time but focus on the present.
FEEDBACK Regarding the pedestrian’s encounter of two irate drivers (Oct. 14):
Reader – “Society, in general, has become very entitled. But, thankfully, not everyone. I still have drivers allowing me to merge and still had drivers flashing the ‘thank you wave’ when I let them merge. Of course, I always do the same in return.”
Lisi – I find that if you make eye contact, and smile, people usually let you merge. And I always wave thank you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the smell of the massage therapist at the spa (Oct. 17):
Reader – “I totally agree with you that the letter writer should have spoken to the spa manager. How many other clients are they losing because of this situation?”
FEEDBACK regarding cheating boyfriend (Oct. 21):
Reader — “Walk away. That’s the best advice — and you repeated it, each time with a new reason. He is using her. Most importantly, set a good example for your child. Walk away as fast as you can!”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
