Dear Lisi: I live in a gated community where everyone knows everyone. We’re not all in the same social circle because the community is home to people in their mid-20s up to people in their 80s.
Over the past few years, I have become close with one of my neighbours who is twice my age. I’m 35 and she’s 72. We both play pickleball though it hasn’t taken hold in our community. We’ll often find others to play with, and then go out for lunch or an early dinner on the nights my husband works late. She’s widowed and lost her one son to a bike accident years ago.
Last week, as we were walking to our game, another neighbour stopped us and started talking to my friend about a party I knew nothing about. Apparently, a few of the neighbours got together and threw this woman a surprise party.
I’m so pleased for her because I often think she’s lonely. And I’m not upset that I wasn’t invited because I don’t really know the people who put the party together. But I did think it was very rude of that neighbour to have started the conversation in front of me.
How should I have reacted?
Dismissed
Your party neighbour does sound rude and immature. I would stay far away from her. In my experience, people like that are trying to “stir the pot.” Anyone else would have just stopped to say hello, and discussed the party later, in private, with the septuagenarian.
Feel free to NOT invite her to your next gathering.
Dear Lisi: My daughter is working at a summer camp this month and has been texting me photos of her with her new bestie. She’s happy she’s found a new friend, and they’re having so much fun together. But there was something about this girl that made me uncomfortable every time I saw her photo.
Finally, during one of our conversations, I asked my daughter what her family name is, and once she told me, I was so bothered I had to hang up.
What my daughter doesn’t know is that years ago, before I met her father, I was engaged to a man I loved. We were high school sweethearts and had our whole lives mapped out. Until. We spent one summer apart, and a friend of a friend made it her mission to get my guy.
She did and got pregnant. They didn’t last as a couple, but she had the baby and gave her his last name. My daughter’s new bestie is my ex’s child with this woman. She’s almost three years older than my daughter.
Now what?
Too close for comfort
Now what, nothing. It’s your history, not your daughter’s, and it’s not happy history. At this point, I don’t think there’s any reason to tell your daughter any of the story. I’m assuming your husband knows, but if he doesn’t, you could share with him now. Lean into him for support.
The girls are at summer camp where every day is like a month in “real” time. Who knows? They may continue their friendship after the summer, and they may not. Until such time as you need to be with her mother or her biological father, I think you just sit on the sidelines, keeping it to yourself.
If and when the situation arises where you need to be with either, you can choose to feign ignorance and go with the flow. Or you can tell your daughter as much as you deem necessary, enough to explain your discomfort and apprehension.
Hopefully you’ve all moved on in your adult lives, though it’s understandable that you may feel anew the pain and hurt of what happened those many years ago.
FEEDBACK Regarding step-parenting difficult children (June 20):
Reader – “As a mother of two and step-parent to two more, becoming a step-parent is not for the weak of heart.
“One of my stepchildren also acted out during her young years, and these outbursts became more difficult, extending into her teen years with behavioural issues and serious consequences. She was diagnosed early on with bipolar disorder and her life has been a roller coaster of emotional upheaval. She has adversely affected the entire family as narcissism and attention-seeking constantly played against normal family activities.
“Tell the young letter writer to have an assessment done as this child could be merely going through a temporary stage, or a mental health issue that is just the beginning. The father of the child should know what he is dealing with, too. At that point, the woman can have a realistic and often heartbreaking reality check.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
