Dear Lisi: My girlfriend is aggressive and I’m not sure what to do about it. She pursued me about three months ago, and I was flattered and interested. She was very keen and tried to spend a lot of time with me — more than I was interested in. But she was persistent and insistent.
Every evening that we were together, she was planning the next time we could be together, which was the next day, if she had it her way. Right from the beginning of our courtship, we spent several nights a week together. If I tried to bow out because I was tired from a long day, she’d insist on just coming over to “hang out.”
At first, I thought it was so nice to have someone who seemed to really like me, but now that the fireworks have faded, I’m feeling crushed and smothered. I don’t necessarily want to end things with her; I just want some time to myself, my friends, my other interests and hobbies.
What do I do?
Suffocated
I suggest you take your girlfriend out for a nice, long evening walk in the park. Hold her hand, give her hugs, kiss. Then look her in the eye and tell her how you feel: that you want to continue the quality of the relationship but lessen the quantity. Be very clear with her regarding how much you like her (perhaps you’re even in love with her), but that you need more personal space to breathe and grow.
She may be understanding, back down, and appreciate your comments. Or, she may not understand how to have a relationship any other way than what she has shown you. You won’t know until you tell her, so you’ll have to take that chance.
Dear Lisi: I really like this boy who works with me at my summer job. He’s a year older, going into Grade 12. We don’t live that far away from each other, but we go to different high schools. He’s really cute and so nice to everyone. He’s warm and friendly to me, but I can’t tell if he’s just treating me like everyone else or if he’s giving me special treatment, which I would like.
I’m pretty shy, so I would never walk up to him and tell him how I feel. And I don’t want to embarrass myself by doing something that would make it obvious, if he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t know what to do!
Crushing
The teenage years are so complicated when it comes to crushes. Your youth – not just you, but most of your peers – doesn’t allow you the self-confidence to speak your truth. The fear of being laughed at, or rejected, is too strong.
So, I understand your predicament.
My suggestion is to just be yourself. If there’s a chance to spend time with this boy alone, take it. Talk to him. Not about how you feel…. just talk. Get to know him and give him the chance to get to know you. Let your relationship, whatever that looks like, grow organically.
The opportunity will present itself for you to tell him how you feel when you’re ready, and when you feel fairly confident how he feels. However, if it is obvious that he only likes you as a friend, it’ll be up to you to decide if you’d like to continue that friendship, or, if that would be too hard for you under the circumstances.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman with hairy armpits (June 26):
Reader – “You should have smacked that nasty judgmental woman down for deeming her co-worker’s ‘bushy and black’ armpits an ‘affront.’ Who does she think she is?
“And she won’t complain to HR because she doesn’t want to lose the right to bare her own bald pits. Rich.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the guy always getting hurt (June 19):
Reader – “You missed the bigger picture here. You were more concerned with the wife’s response. So, the guy goes on a ski trip ‘right before the baby was born.’ What the hell! Leaving her at her most vulnerable time was so immature!
“He sounds like a big baby wanting his way; not a mature, responsible man with a family. It sounds like he is spending a lot of free time on his own interests, leaving his wife at home with an infant. No wonder she said that it served him right. It sounds like she’s fed up.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman with hairy armpits (June 26):
Reader – “Underarm hair is natural and normal. For some people removing it causes skin problems. For others, removing it is against their cultural norms.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
