Dear Lisi: My boyfriend has just informed me that his summer plans have changed, and he is now going travelling with two friends. I have a summer internship in my chosen career, at a place I was really hoping to work, so I can’t (and don’t want to) change my plans. But he and I had already bought tickets to three concerts, made a cottage weekend plan with some friends, and have been invited to two parties.
His original summer plans weren’t all that great, and then part of it fell through, so I understand why this will be a way better summer for him. But I’m hurt that he made his decision without talking it through with me.
Now I’m left with concert tickets that I need to either find someone to go with me or sell; a cottage plan where I’ll be the only single person with four other couples; and parties where I’ll be solo. The latter is fine but the other two aren’t. And the guys are leaving soon so my boyfriend doesn’t even have time to help me with these plans.
I’m so hurt and upset, but my boyfriend thinks I’m mad that he’s leaving, so now he’s mad at me. How do we move forward?
Single Summer
Sounds like your boyfriend got caught up in the excitement of his new plans and didn’t think about how it would affect you. I’m surmising that you two are young, perhaps still in university, so it’s not as though he’s leaving you alone in an apartment with kids and pets to care for.
I understand that you’re hurt; and I also think he’s hurt that you aren’t showing your excitement for him. One of you has to make the first move to clear the air, and since you’ve written to me, it’s going to be you.
I would speak to him immediately, especially if he is leaving soon. You don’t want him to leave on bad terms. Tell him that you are happy for him that he has found a fun summer plan. Tell him that you understand that though you two had some fun things planned, they were few and far between the entire summer and don’t come close to going on an adventure. You get it.
But now tell him that you’re hurt that he didn’t think to speak with you first before agreeing to go, and that he’s now left you on your own to figure out several events. So, you would really like to enjoy the last few days/weeks with him, but you’d also like him to help you with the concert tickets and cottage plans.
Hopefully, he can understand your point of view and apologize, too. Then you two can enjoy the fun of helping him get ready, and finding you concert buddies.
FEEDBACK Regarding the worldly women (May 21):
Reader 1 — “It’s not just women.
“As one who suffers anxiety, I practise Cognitive Behavioural Therapy regularly. I also find it’s a good way to clear my head.
“Another trick I use is to make lists. When things are written down, they’re no longer in my head.
“And, when planning vacations, if possible, return home one day early. That day is your ‘getting back into it’ day. Leave the chaos for that day only.”
Lisi — Lists and buffer days are hugely helpful to minimize the chaos. With a running list, you can see how much you have to do, make a plan for efficiency, and feel productive when things get marked as done. If anything gets missed, it can easily go on the next day’s list.
A buffer day is so important, especially when travelling. Flight delays are so common, this relieves any pressure of getting home later than scheduled.
Reader 2 — “If these women are single parents, your suggestions are valid as it’s all on them, but it’s a shame that they can’t compartmentalise so that they give themselves the time to be present in the moment.
“However, if these women have partners, it is evident that they haven’t negotiated an equitable division of labour at home. Your response perpetuates a belief that the everyday workings of a family are still a woman’s job, and it’s sad that you suggest negotiating time off with an employer instead of shared responsibility for children between both parents.
“You sadly reinforce the notion that the domestic domain is exclusively a woman’s responsibility, doing both men and women a disservice.”
Lisi — I beg to differ. My response, which spoke solely about how women feel, was directly to the woman’s question “Why can’t we women relax???” — the key word here being “women.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
