Dear Lisi: My wife wants what I can’t give her: a sexless marriage. She says she loves me; she’s cried in my arms that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her, that she can’t imagine living without me. And in the same breath, she states with conviction that she has no desire to have any intimacy with me, no sexual activity, that I am never allowed to instigate or make any sexual requests from her.
Say what?!?
We met 25 years ago when we were both on our last family vacations as “kids.” We were in our early 20s, but our parents had taken us away on a Christmas trip, as they had done for many years. We met at a bar one night and then bumped into each other on the beach the next day. We had our first kiss on that trip….
Our connection was strong, and we chatted the entire following semester, and went on our first date that spring. We became official the following September. We were so hot and heavy back then, our friends used to joke around with us to “get a room.”
We got married, enjoyed our time as newlyweds, got a dog, then had two kids. Life was great! Until one day, about a year ago, she didn’t respond to my lustful bedtime advances. That was the beginning of what I call the “Ice Age.”
How do I thaw her out?
Horny Husband
This seems to be a common theme lately, and from both men AND women. Yes, there are men out there who no longer want to be intimate with their wives but still want to be married. Last time I wrote about this, I received many incredulous emails from men sharing their thoughts. They either offered their services to the wife or were convinced that the husband must be having an affair.
Maybe. But also, maybe he’s suffering from low libido, male menopause, self-esteem issues, etc.
The answer is the same for women who say they don’t want intimacy with their partners but don’t want anything else to change. Maybe they’re having an affair, maybe they have low libido, maybe its hormonal changes caused by menopause.
I don’t know why your wife has declared abstinence from you, but what I do know is that when one person withholds sexual relations from their partner, the rest is not going to remain unchanged. It’s just not. So, whether you’re the one withholding, or the one left out in the cold, buckle up. It’s not going to be smooth sailing until you two find your happy place. And in my experience, usually, the person left out is forced to make the change because they just can’t live like that any longer.
FEEDBACK regarding the travelled-out couple (Oct. 30):
Reader – “Wow! Talk about smothering his girlfriend!! Planning a life together after only being together six months?
“I suggest he have a SERIOUS discussion NOW before he starts pushing her away.”
Lisi – I read the question differently. I think they’re in it together.
FEEDBACK Regarding wide awake (Nov. 9):
Reader - “Wide Awake’s going into her live-in boyfriend’s computer needs no apology — unless he’s CIA or a psychiatrist with confidential patient information on his device. She didn’t snoop through it — it opened to the pictures. Anyone who would take such pictures secretly and who would rape you while you are passed out is disgusting, despicable and dangerous. She needs to leave immediately, deleting the pictures if she can, and find a lawyer. He may try to use the pictures as blackmail, so she needs to read him the riot act.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
