Dear Ellie: I live in a common rented house with a few girls. I like one, but have never had the guts to talk to her, because she might have different interests and choices than me.
She might not like the way I start the conversation and bam! I might lose the only chance I had. After that even being nice to her would make me look creepy.
Afraid to Start Chat
There鈥檚 nothing 鈥渃reepy鈥� about being friendly. In fact, by not talking to one of the young women living in a shared house, you鈥檇 eventually appear stand-offish. It鈥檚 more natural and pleasant when everyone at least knows each other鈥檚 name.
People can make wrong assumptions about those who don鈥檛 say a simple 鈥淗i, how鈥檚 it going?鈥� Especially here, where they see you fairly regularly.
Since you鈥檙e socially shy around her, understand this: No one expects a first conversation to be a full-on discussion about shared interests. That鈥檚 why a lot of people start off saying something about the weather鈥� because it is something in common. There鈥檚 nothing wrong on a day of pounding rain, to offer to do a coffee run for the few girls who are home.
Even if no one accepts, you鈥檒l have shown that you鈥檙e a decent, friendly guy.
It seems that you鈥檙e not very experienced at dating, and that the object of your interest is likely also young.
So, if you suddenly started asking her many questions about herself and her special interests, it鈥檚 likely she鈥檇 be more put off than if you just smiled, introduced yourself with your name, and asked hers.
Next time you see her, you can say hello, and, if she answers or smiles back, maybe ask if she鈥檚 there to go to school or work? If she responds, you say a little about yourself.
After that, you鈥檒l know whether there鈥檚 more to talk about, or not. My strongest advice, is to take it slow, be polite and be helpful.
Feedback regarding a mother鈥檚 laundry and cleanup issues with her messy teens (July 28):
鈥淵ou are right with the advice you gave about the conflict between the mother and her two daughters over their unwashed or clean, unfolded laundry and their messy rooms with books and papers strewn on the floor.
鈥淲hen my sons were approaching their teenage years, I bought them each a clothes hamper for their bedrooms.
I then told them that, as teenagers, they now had to do their own laundry and showed them how to proceed. I also closed their bedroom doors when I didn鈥檛 want to see the mess. No comment needed!
鈥淭he oldest son, who鈥檚 very industrious, had no issues. The youngest one commented, as I showed him how to rub stain remover on a shirt, that he didn鈥檛 like doing this. I pointed out to him that NO ONE does.
鈥淚鈥檝e made my share of mistakes as a parent, but this is one thing that I did right.鈥�
Reader No. 2: 鈥淪imple solution: Tie their allowance to their chores. If they鈥檙e already receiving an allowance, start bonuses [and deductions].
鈥淚n the working world when employees do well, they get raises and/or bonus. This then also starts to prepare 12- and 13-year-old鈥檚 for working life.
鈥淭o train a dog you give them treats. The topic of 鈥淧ositive Reinforcement鈥� was even an episode of Big Bang Theory (Sheldon 鈥渢raining鈥� Penny with chocolates).鈥�
Reader鈥檚 commentary regarding the grandmother鈥檚 letter about all she did for her grandchildren, now alienated from her (July 23):
鈥淪he didn鈥檛 say that she was 鈥渁sked鈥� to do all she listed in glowing detail that she did for her daughter and grandkids. I know the type: overbearing and manipulative, with a long list of 鈥榣ook what I鈥檝e done for you.鈥�
鈥淭he parents were guilted into letting it continue, and grandma took more ground.
鈥淲hat broke the camel鈥檚 back was when the dad thought she was too hard on the kids regarding homework. Likely that wasn鈥檛 the problem at all.
鈥淏ut they needed to end her overbearing/manipulative ways. This was the excuse. The daughter probably never saw it as soon as the dad. I say good for them. The problem was the grandmother, not the parents.鈥�
Ellie: You make huge assumptions about a stranger. Her story portrayed a sad conclusion to problems that could have been resolved.
Ellie鈥檚 tip of the day
Shy? Approach a potential date with a smile, a 鈥淗ello,鈥� your name and a simple comment. Build from there, slowly.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
