Dear Lisi: My sister is overweight, unhealthy, a binge eater and a chain smoker. She’s also the kindest, most generous human you’ll ever meet. The problem is that people see her as a pushover and take advantage of her. She was dog-sitting three dogs over the holiday period — one who wasn’t house-trained and peed everywhere, and one who has anxiety and hid under the bed whenever another dog came too close.
Because my sister is so overweight and unhealthy, she doesn’t like to exercise, so the dogs barely got walked — which didn’t help the peeing or the anxiety. I went to pick her up on Christmas to take her to our family event and was horrified by the smell and the scene in her condo.
Just as I arrived, our mom called to say she was pushing the get-together back an hour, which gave my sister and I time to clean up her place and take the dogs for a walk. My sister was so grateful for the help, and I could see that, though she struggled with the pace and distance of the walk, she really enjoyed it.
How do I help her get her life back on track, including quitting smoking, binge eating and starting to exercise?
Supportive Sissy
Everyone could benefit from a sister like you, as long as you don’t come on too strong. I am certain that your sister appreciates you and your help this holiday, but don’t take her on as a project, or try to change her overnight. If your sister is leaning on several vices, she has deeper stuff she needs to work through.
Talk to her about your concerns and your desire to help her. She may be ready to make some change …. or not. She may need more than you can give, as in, a personal trainer and dietician. Maybe even a hypnotist to help with her smoking habit. She may also not want YOU to be her saviour. Take it slow.
For example, offer to go for a walk with her for an hour after work. Offer to cook her a healthy dinner once a week. Offer to go with her to any appointments she makes regarding quitting smoking. But only offer what you can commit to, and don’t push yourself on her. She knows you care and want to help.
But she must WANT to help herself and make some change. I strongly suggest she find someone to speak with to discuss her future.
Dear Lisi: Every time I turn around, my girlfriend has something new she wants us to get into. Right after Thanksgiving, she declared we were never to eat turkey again because of the tryptophan. I’m not a big fan of turkey, so it was easy to agree. On Dec.1, she declared that we were starting to run as our evening exercise, and I agreed to that too, because I have always been a track guy.
But on Christmas, she declared that we were going on a keto diet come the New Year, and I’m just not down with that. I have no interest in following the low-carb, high-fat diet that constitutes the keto plan. I’m fit, I’m healthy, I work out and I’m happy with my diet.
How do I tell my girlfriend that I’m O-U-T out?
No Keto
Your girlfriend clearly cares about your health and her own, and she likes to do things together as a couple, which, when it comes to abstaining from certain things, and dieting, many people would concur. But you don’t have to agree to EVERYTHING. You’re obviously amenable to many other of her whims, so let this one go and don’t do what you don’t want to do. Just be nice about it.
FEEDBACK Regarding secrets and lies (Aug. 27):
Reader — “We all have sexual pasts. Everyone knows that. When a couple is in a long-term relationship, it is not unusual to discuss one’s sexual past. This vulnerability instils closeness, transparency, and trust. As long as it is carried out within each other’s comfort, and safe zone.
“Nothing, however, is more hurtful and humiliating than dishonesty and lies, especially when the truth comes out from some other source, as it so frequently does. The loss of trust is so very difficult to reestablish afterwards.
“This happened to me and the marital relationship between myself and my partner never really felt the same again.”
Lisi — That’s sad and I’m sorry. These two sound much younger and aren’t married. But I agree with you — honesty and trust work better than secrets and lies. And secrets always seem to surface.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Email questions to [email protected].
