Dear Ellie: I鈥檓 a woman, age 37, who was in a great same-sex relationship I thought was mutual. But my then-girlfriend would never say that she loved me, even though I said it to her.
She told me the old story that she鈥檇 been 鈥渉urt too many times,鈥� and that we were fine with being together and intimate, but there was no long-term commitment. I was devastated.
Eventually, I just walked away. That was three years ago and a lot has happened in between 鈥� another relationship that turned out to be with someone who was cheating on her partner 鈥� and then COVID.
I focused on learning how to best work from home and built up a virtual business teaching home-bound kids movement and dance. It caused me to re-examine my life and values. I didn鈥檛 look at dating apps, had no in-person contact with anyone until things opened up a bit and I could finally see my mother, both of us wearing masks and staying distanced.
Then, months later, my former girlfriend whom I鈥檇 loved and left, reached out on text, asking if I was OK. I told her about my business. She was very impressed. She seemed more interested in how I鈥檇 handled this tough period than she鈥檇 ever previously been about my work.
We chatted occasionally at first, then back and forth for several more months until we both got vaccinated, and then got second doses before we met in person. Now, we鈥檙e seeing each other every couple of weeks. It鈥檚 slow and steady, but feels good. She鈥檚 loving to me, but she still doesn鈥檛 use the word. I鈥檝e stopped worrying about that, I have a lot more self-confidence now. But I wonder if I鈥檓 being realistic.
After someone鈥檚 broken your heart, can you ever really trust them again?
Once Burned, Twice Shy
Self-confidence and self-respect are essential when taking a second chance on a relationship that left you deeply hurt. You鈥檝e solidified those important values during a most difficult time of COVID. You鈥檙e stronger, more successful and self-assured than you felt over three years ago. Your girlfriend sees these changes and respects them.
However, you need to discuss the past once, thoroughly. Ask any questions you still have, and accept no throw-away responses. The conversation may hurt a little, but that鈥檚 natural. Be clear about what you will not accept in a relationship now.
This isn鈥檛 about punishing her. It鈥檚 being clear about who you are and what you need if you are to be together as a committed and mutually loving couple.
Reader鈥檚 Commentary, My best friend had also fallen for my former flame (Aug. 25):
鈥淗ow is this a betrayal? The key word here is 鈥榝ormer,鈥� as in, 鈥榥o longer.鈥� Once the letter-writer was no longer involved, his friend could have become this woman鈥檚 partner and lover.
鈥淭here is no ownership of the woman here. Your answer was correct, Ellie. it is grief that is forming the writer鈥檚 sense of betrayal.
鈥淭he letter-writer should be grateful for having had both of these people in his life. Loving, heartbreak, sorrow are all part of the human experience. The former 鈥榖est friend鈥� is likely also feeling bereft. Reconnecting, sharing memories of the three of you may be helpful in gaining some perspective and also in healing. Perhaps it may allow the two of you to regain some/all of your friendship.鈥�
Ellie鈥檚 tip of the day
Don鈥檛 distrust a past partner鈥檚 positive appreciation of your personal growth during the pandemic. But insist on equal and shared commitment this time.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
