Dear Ellie: I鈥檓 a man who grew up with very close buddies. At 41, I鈥檝e had some friends for over 30 years. But recently I lost one of my longest friendships.
I hadn鈥檛 seen this guy for a couple of months. We鈥檇 had a minor incident when his daughter and mine competed over a role in a school play. I thought they鈥檇 gotten over it.
But when I recently saw him at a school event and greeted him heartily, he said that he鈥檇 lost his job, then turned away.
I immediately texted him that I hadn鈥檛 heard and wanted to help 鈥� e.g., through contacts I have. He didn鈥檛 respond.
How do I heal our friendship?
Cut Off
Though you mean well, the solution must be about him, not you, especially since you didn鈥檛 recognize the impact of the schoolgirls鈥� disagreement.
Work your contacts privately. If you find someone who can help your friend, let that person initiate it. That鈥檚 the sincerest outreach. Your friendship may heal over time. Don鈥檛 push it.
Dear Ellie: I met my husband three years after he鈥檇 divorced. When he鈥檇 decided to follow his artistic leanings, his then-wife turned critical and bossy.
We fell in love. We moved to a different city (not far from his hometown), and started a new creative business together. We had ups and downs with it, then success.
But my husband鈥檚 children weren鈥檛 interested and only visited us once, though we regularly invited them and wanted to be close.
I was 41 then, had ended a live-in relationship two years prior, and had never been married. I thought the chance to be 鈥渟tep-mom鈥� to his son, 22 and daughter, 19, was a gift. But sadly, it didn鈥檛 happen.
My husband鈥檚 friend confided that their mother had told them I鈥檇 鈥渟tolen鈥� him from her, and he didn鈥檛 care about them.
They believed her lies, though we also visited them in their city every few months, sent birthday gifts, and phoned every few weeks.
My husband still funded their education pursuits while their mother paid for nothing.
Five years ago, my husband who was 16 years older than me, got cancer. His children didn鈥檛 believe me when I phoned them. They expressed no caring at all.
I never called again. He died last year, at 65. He was the love of my life. My grief is tripled by the loss he felt at losing his children鈥檚鈥� love and all interest in him鈥� except for his will.
How do I heal?
Hole in My Heart
Grief counselling is pretty much a necessity when you鈥檙e carrying not only the pain of loss but also the stings of unfairness and distrust over years.
His children chose not to be part of your life together. That was their loss, since their mother obviously influenced them with negatives. Choose grief counselling that鈥檚 about you, not them.
There are experienced grief therapists in many fields. Do an online search to examine their different approaches.
There are also many books on grief that people have found helpful. Coming from the special nature of the relationship you had with your husband, look for book titles and perspectives that strike a chord.
Focus your own approach on the positives that were in your marriage 鈥� love, partnership, shared ambition that brought success, and the journey along the way.
Send relationship questions to [email protected].
