I was downtown last week when I saw the man in front of me (a white, middle-aged man) hail a young woman who was walking down the sidewalk towards us.
She was young 鈥� younger than me, perhaps 22 鈥� and Asian. She was nicely dressed and absolutely gorgeous, looking as though she鈥檇 just stepped out of a magazine.
As I turned down the volume on my music, I realized that he hadn鈥檛 hailed her because he knew her 鈥� he was doing the other thing.
Out of intuition, I slowed my pace a little.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name?鈥� he asked. She didn鈥檛 answer at first, evidently confused as to why this man was talking to her. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name?鈥� he persisted. I think he thought he was being jocular. She answered, but it was clear she didn鈥檛 have enough English to understand what he was getting at.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e very beautiful,鈥� the man said, touching her shoulder in a way that made the alarm bells go off in my head.
I鈥檇 stopped walking by this point, under the pretext of fixing my headphones.
The one-sided conversation didn鈥檛 last much longer 鈥� she laughed awkwardly and quickly made her escape after the man鈥檚 failed attempts to cross the language barrier.
Now, I鈥檓 obviously not psychic. I鈥檓 not claiming that I could see into this girl鈥檚 mind and know exactly what she thought about this strange man twice her age stopping her on the sidewalk to touch her, but as someone who a) has been in that situation herself and b) has eyes, it seemed pretty clear that her body language said 鈥渞eluctance,鈥� that she was laughing in order to dissemble and that the touch was unwelcome.
Again, though, I can鈥檛 know for sure. But here鈥檚 the thing: If it wasn鈥檛 clear to me that his touch was welcome, then it was equally unclear to him. And yet he persisted, which means that he didn鈥檛 care whether or not she found his attentions appealing: Her reception of his behaviour was no impediment to him.
Which is creepy.
For clarification, I didn鈥檛 stop because I thought he was going to violently assault her or anything, but we were closing in on harassment territory, and I wanted to give her an out if he didn鈥檛 desist.
You don鈥檛 touch people in a sexual manner without their consent. (Was it sexual? Quick test: Would he have touched and spoken to a fellow adult male in the same way?) Especially not if the other person is a stranger. And especially not if you鈥檙e a middle-aged man and she鈥檚 a young woman on her own on the street.
I just don鈥檛 understand what鈥檚 so hard about this.
I鈥檓 anticipating flak for this, simply because the number of men who think 鈥渟top sexually harassing women鈥� means 鈥測ou鈥檙e not allowed to find women attractive鈥� is astounding. Like, no. These are not the same things, and it should be deeply worrying to us that there鈥檚 such confusion between the two.
I鈥檝e been sexually harassed by strangers before (any female-presenting person likely has been), but I鈥檝e also received compliments from strangers, and there鈥檚 a huge difference.
Last summer, for example, I was on a bus, and a person gave me a really lovely compliment about my physical appearance. It brightened my entire day. They did it respectfully, by saying 鈥渆xcuse me,鈥� by not trying to force me into conversation after, and by 鈥� and I cannot stress this enough 鈥� not trying to touch me.
Because we鈥檙e allowed to find people attractive. We are!
But some people feel so entitled to a woman鈥檚 time and attention that they seem to think that every thought that pops into their brain is worthy of utterance.
If you鈥檙e walking along the street and you see a fellow human being doing the same and you find them attractive, then congratulations. Good for you. Please feel free to enjoy that stranger鈥檚 beauty in the same way we enjoy other ambient pleasures, like sunshine and trees.
But women don鈥檛 exist for you. We鈥檙e our own people. Just because you find me sexually attractive doesn鈥檛 give you the right to touch me, especially not without my consent.
If a person feels that it鈥檚 more important for them to be able to express their sexual interest than to pay attention to a fellow human being鈥檚 sense of safety and comfort, then their priorities are wrong.
