An organized cook is a happy cook, especially on the big day when all your efforts planning and preparing a hot Christmas meal are revealed to a crowd of hungry, judgmental people with important opinions to share on Justin Trudeau, electric vehicles and the surprising number of high-profile food recalls in Canada this year.
Maybe an organized cook isn’t exactly a happy cook so much as a needs-less-medication cook. Anyway, I was just kidding about the high number of food recalls — according to the 91原创 Food Inspection Agency, there have only been 139 so far this fiscal!
Still, organization is everything, and I am here to help with the planning and logistics, because this weekend is critical to successfully deploying your Christmas munitions, especially if you want to get in a drink or two before flambéing the pudding.
Your first task today is to inspect the ingredients. On average, there are 200-250 food recalls every year. You’re probably safe if you have CBC Radio on right now and always in case a food recall is announced before you get to the end of this paragraph.
Let’s assume that you already ordered a fresh turkey, wildebeest or whatever large specialty meat item is currently in vogue. This should have been done about the same time you were thinking about making plans for the May long weekend.
Your second task is to check for glass in the turkey. That’s one reason for a food recall, as is potential pathogens like listeriosis, unlabelled allergens such as ragweed pollen, and because food isn’t labelled in both English and French/Anglais et français.
Let’s also assume you already bought shelf-stable ingredients so as to avoid the high traffic at grocery stores this week. Probably the best time to stock up on wine, beer, crackers, fancy cheeses, wine, beer, horrible mince pies, wine and beer is right after Christmas last year, when it goes on sale.
I was kidding about avoiding busy stores. You still have the Big Shop to do this weekend, stocking up on all the requisite fresh items: vegetables, dairy, wine, beer, cranberry sauce, herbs, wine and beer.
Check you have enough stale bread and at least twenty pounds of salt lying around for the stuffing. Leftover drywall and driveway de-icer can be substituted, but maybe first check with the American Food and Drug Administration, which publishes helpful guidelines for determining “safe levels” of all kinds of things routinely included in food without it being recalled.
We’re talking about insect parts, rat hairs, poop, maggots, that kind of thing. For example — and I swear I am not making this up — cranberry sauce is allowed to contain an average of 15% mold filaments.
If you are making gravy from stock, which is a small cube of approximately meat-flavoured chemicals, make it today. It’s an easy project that will fill your house with delicious aromas and oily residue. It’s also a good idea today to check that you wrapped all the presents so you’re not in a last-minute rush to remove all the gravy stains.
Now is also a good time to remember you forgot to look up exactly what “brining” means. You have two options: break down crying, or man up and just add a jar of pickles to the roasting pan.
On Christmas Eve, you should sharpen your knives and begin cutting the vegetables. You will want some help with peeling potatoes, so pick somebody good at stabbing and slashing. Reserve your least-skilled volunteer for preparing the brussels sprouts, as this dish will not actually be eaten.
Alas, on Christmas morning, you will have to calculate how long to cook the turkey by resorting to math. First, uh … let me see if I remember this correctly … Multiply the weight of the turkey in pounds by nine fifths and then add 32. Remember to carry the two. Also remember to turn the oven on. You may want to turn it on now while you’re thinking of it.
Timing is critical! If you’re serving the Christmas meal at, say, three in the afternoon, you should boil the vegetables, steam the pudding, heat the sauces and carve the turkey by about noon, so it all has enough time to properly dry out in a warm oven.
For peace of mind you probably want to have the FDA’s “Defect Levels Handbook” I mentioned earlier on … uh, hand. This is just in case any relative wants to argue about the allowable limits of defects in the food you serve them. You can authoritatively refute any complaints with the following facts:
• Ground cinnamon can contain up to 400 insect fragments (heads, legs, wings, etc.) per 50 grams, while crushed oregano can contain up to 300 insect fragments.
• Cocoa beans can contain up to 10 milligrams of “mammalian excreta” per pound, and wheat can contain up to nine rodent poop pellets per kilogram.
• Canned or dried mushrooms are allowed to include 75 mites per 100 grams, but frozen spinach is only allowed 50 mites.
• Maraschino cherries are OK as long as no more than 5% of the cherries contain maggots, and citrus fruit juice is allowed up to one maggot per 250 millilitres.
The handbook goes on to detail safe levels of rodent hair, mold and “objectionable foreign materials,” including sticks, stones, burlap sacking and cigarette butts.
Of course, your big meal has no objectionable foreign materials apart from a couple of the guests, because you are now so very organized!
You’re welcome, and Merry Christmas!
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