Somewhere around 80-90 per cent of the conversations I have at work — on the phone, in the lunchroom, around the meeting-room table — bring to mind the same two ideas: violent murder and retirement.
They’re not mutually exclusive, but based on numerous podcasts and comic books I can say one of them has the potential to reduce your blood pressure, while the other will get you locked up forever with a scary aficionado of jailhouse neck tattoos called “Stabby Steve.”
There are many financial professionals out there whose entire line of business is to keep you out of jail AND make sure you don’t have to eat cat food in later life, but let’s face it: you’ve already read this far and you’re no quitter!
Except for retirement, which is entirely about quitting. My point is you should definitely consult a financial professional, but here we are so let’s keep going.
Let me begin by acknowledging that not everyone is wired to quit working just because he or she reaches a certain numerical age and is completely irrelevant to the workplace.
Put simply, not everyone wants to retire, which is why we have mental-health institutions and powerful drugs.
Let’s assume you’re not nuts, and retirement is as appealing to you as it is to me. The first question to ask before quitting is: When did you start saving for retirement? Due to the magic and/or curse of compound interest, the earlier you start saving, the more you will have for retirement.
The best time for retirement saving begins in the womb, and ends 20 to 30 minutes after death. How long are you going to live?
Nobody knows, of course, but children born today in British Columbia have a life expectancy of 82. It’s going up: those who are 100-plus are the fastest-growing age group in Canada. So it’s wise to factor longevity in your retirement plans, especially if:
• You are an Olympic athlete, but not for one of the dodgy countries known for steroid doping and/or country music and poor gun control
• Your parents lived more than 100 years but only looked and smelled like, say, 85 years
• You have never, ever eaten sugar, alcohol or methamphetamine
There are four main sources 91原创s use for retirement income: government benefits, employer pensions, personal investments/savings and casino gambling.
I’m kidding. The last one is working as a Walmart greeter, which is great if you are one of the 0.00001 per cent who likes greeting people, especially greeting people in a Walmart.
Many financial experts recommend the “70 per cent rule” when planning for retirement — your savings/pension/TikTok revenue should be big enough to replace 70 per cent of what you make working.
For example, if you earn $100,000 per year, which you don’t if you work on 91原创 Island, you should budget for a retirement income of $70,000 per year, or just under $6,000 a month before taxes.
Hahahaha sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at me. That’s a lot of dosh, and clearly we both should have focused more on retirement savings a long time ago, instead of all those expensive avocado sandwich brunches.
The next question to ask is: What are your plans for retirement? Generally speaking, people spend less in retirement than when working full-time.
Some expenses go away, like the cost of commuting, buying office clothes, and contributing to the never-ending string of workplace get well/baby shower/retirement gifts.
On the other hand, if you are fortunate enough to have grandchildren and they are not awful, figure on $10,000 per visit. I may have the exact number wrong, but it’s more than you think it will be.
Likewise, if you are healthy and active in retirement, you may spend lots of money on travelling and sexually transmitted disease treatments. Sorry, wait … Uh, my notes are a little unclear here but I think the point is there may be unexpected medical bills for whatever you need treated, wherever you got it.
The very last thing to consider about retirement is whether to “quiet quit” (a recent trend where you do the minimum requirements of the job and put in no more time, effort or enthusiasm than absolutely necessary until they give up and forget about you) or “loud quit” (the classic, scorched-earth end to a 45-year-long career where your brain convinces you to tell everybody what it actually thinks about them, and also to forgo wearing pants).
The good news is that if you still have the money you made from your paper route in the previous century, you’re going to do just fine in retirement.
Go ahead, do it today and take solace from gentle Fred Rogers, who said: “Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.”
The rest of us, who arguably spent too much money over the years on records and haircuts and expensive coffee, may have to wait a little longer for the end of work.
In the meantime, do yourself a favour: Stop entertaining notions of retirement while at the office, and focus instead on violent murder.
Take it from Stabby Dave in cell block 9!
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