A group of orthodox Mennonite parents in Manitoba, charged with alleged child abuse, were given guidelines recently on spanking children. A letter to the parents said that while Manitoba鈥檚 Child and Family Services does not condone spanking, it鈥檚 not illegal.
Yes, the law allows parents to use 鈥渞easonable force鈥� in dealing with their children. But usually when force is used, reason has long since flown out the window.
Sometimes a swat on a well-diapered bottom is an effective way to get attention. Sometimes a slap on a little hand will turn it away from a hot stove and send the message that danger lies in that direction. Those things should not be punishable under the law.
But there is usually a better way.
I didn鈥檛 always use the better way. Raised with corporal punishment, when I embarked upon the adventure known as parenthood, I considered spanking one of the tools a parent should use occasionally.
My attitude took a turning point when I barked at a troublesome son: 鈥淒o you want a spanking?鈥�
He did not hesitate: 鈥淥h, yes, Daddy, please. I want a spanking more than anything else in the world.鈥�
It was a quick-witted and successful survival strategy. Laughter gets in the way of serious administration of corporal punishment.
After realizing I didn鈥檛 like what spanking did, to my children and to me, a meeting was called and corporal punishment was negotiated out of the contract.
No miracles happened. Six independent and lively children did not suddenly become submissive angels, instantly obedient to their parents鈥� every command.
But things didn鈥檛 get worse, either. Nothing was lost and, over time, much was gained.
We did not lose control, but gained influence. The abolition of corporal punishment did not usher in an era of permissiveness. We continued to be, as our children often pointed out, the strictest parents in town. (鈥淩yan鈥檚 parents let him do it all the time.鈥� Meanwhile, Ryan was probably standing in front of his parents singing the praises of the liberal-minded parents in the Bly household.)
Most spankings, I submit, are not reasoned applications of force with discipline in mind. They are angry reactions. They are efforts of one human being to control another, and they get worse when the parent senses control is being lost.
If force and pain are what you need to control your children, you don鈥檛 have control. You can physically restrain them for a time. You can frighten and intimidate them into obedience temporarily. But if your only control is your superior physical strength and authority, you have lost your children.
Parenting is the most rewarding of occupations, but many of those rewards are a long time coming, and the frustrations are immediate. Spanking is the quick answer, the easy way out. An alternative, such as isolation, withdrawal of privileges or a productive conversation, takes more time, but it鈥檚 time well spent. Being a parent is a heavy responsibility, but many smiles and much laughter can lighten the load.
Spanking is not the worst thing that can happen. Some parents who wouldn鈥檛 dream of physically harming their children cut them to little pieces with criticism. The wounds inflicted by sarcasm and belittling go deep and take a long time to heal.
None of this rules out firmness and discipline. Parents should be in charge. Make good rules and follow them, with generous allowances for human foibles, absent-mindedness and lots of fun. Wise parents listen to their children, and consider their opinions and feelings.
But that can go too far. The opposite of a parent whose answer to every problem is a slap or spanking is the parent who believes everything can be solved through negotiation. Discussion and listening are essential, but a family is not a democracy 鈥� it鈥檚 a training ground for democracy. Children need to learn that certain rights and privileges are earned, just as voters in a democracy need to meet certain requirements, such as age and residency.
It鈥檚 hard for a parent not to take children鈥檚 actions personally. The paranoia that the kids are out to get you is easily acquired. There鈥檚 a temptation to strike back, to get even.
Be patient. You don鈥檛 need to get even with your children 鈥� that鈥檚 what grandchildren are for.
