The doorbell rang, which is never good news. Who could it be? Too early for trick or treaters. Religious zealots? Bottle drive? Oh, Lord, please don鈥檛 make me explain the empties to another smirking 10-year-old.
I bent down and shouted through the letter slot. 鈥淲ho is it?鈥
鈥淗ome invasion!鈥 came the reply.
鈥淭hank goodness,鈥 I said, swinging the door open. 鈥淚 thought it was politicia鈥︹
鈥淲e鈥檙e ba-ack!鈥 they chanted, just like that little girl in Poltergeist. Justin, Jagmeet, Elizabeth, Maxime and Andrew, jostling on the porch like kids at an ice cream truck.
鈥淵ou lied,鈥 I accused them.
鈥淕et used to it,鈥 muttered one in reply, though I couldn鈥檛 tell which because they were all trying to elbow in front and out-shout one another.
鈥淛ustin has two jets!鈥
鈥淎ndrew has two passports! He鈥檚 a secret American!鈥
鈥淵our candidates don鈥檛 believe in climate change.鈥
鈥淵ours don鈥檛 believe in 9/11.鈥
鈥淭rudeau has a face paint addiction.鈥
鈥淭he Joker called. He wants his creepy smile back.鈥
鈥淭ake another selfie, Sunny Ways.鈥
鈥淗ey, Max, check the back door. Somebody might be trying to sneak in.鈥
鈥淓lizabeth May wants to make abortion mandatory!鈥
鈥淥K, now you just sound desperate.鈥
One of them gripped my arm and stared into my eyes with great solemnity. 鈥淏race yourself: Andrew Scheer is not an insurance broker.鈥
I frowned. 鈥淲hat happened to affordable housing?鈥
They paused. 鈥淧ardon?鈥
鈥淚 clearly remember you all talking about affordable housing when the campaign started. Trudeau even made an announcement in a Victoria condo project.鈥
Trudeau scrolled back through the photos in his phone: 鈥淛eez, he鈥檚 right.鈥
鈥淎nd health care,鈥 I said. 鈥淪ingh was rattling on about pharmacare when he was in town last week. Promised $40 million for coastal protection, too.鈥
Singh nodded his assent. 鈥淎nd don鈥檛 forget $30 million for B.C. Ferries. I was kind of in a groove.鈥
May elbowed Singh in the ribs, allowed herself a little smirk: 鈥淚聽said I鈥檇 tax robots.鈥 They all grinned. Scheer broke into a robot dance (or maybe he was doing Harper).
Then they relaxed, began waxing nostalgic about all the policies and promises they have unveiled so far. Student loan forgiveness. Gun reform. Ceilings on cell phone fees. Growing the carbon tax. Repealing the carbon tax. Saving the world.
Frankly, it has been hard to keep up. Even now, promises rain down like candy from a parade float. A tax on luxury cars. A federal Family Day holiday. Caps on ATM charges. Planting two billion trees. Planting 10 billion trees.
Except nothing鈥檚 really sticking, is it? No one is quite sure what this election is all about, so now it has shifted to the trivial and the distracting, the sideshows outdrawing the main stage as the leaders go after each other鈥檚 supposed flaws.
Not that we in the news media aren鈥檛 complicit. It usually goes something like this:
Trudeau at a campaign stop: 鈥淭oday I would like to unveil sweeping agricultural reforms that promise prosperity to canola farmers here in Broken Dreams, Saskatchewan.鈥
Media: 鈥淏oring. What about Andrew Scheer鈥檚 vestigial tail?鈥
Trudeau: 鈥淯m, vestigial tails have no place in a free and open society.鈥
Newspaper headline: 鈥淭rudeau rips Scheer over hidden tail.鈥
Scheer: 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have a vestigial tail, but you might want to check Bernier.鈥
NDP press release: 鈥淭ypical Scheer: Deny, deny, deflect -- just like that sketchy Elizabeth May.鈥
May: 鈥淚 thought Singh was better than this. You should be disappointed in him.鈥
Times 91原创 editorial -- 鈥淭ailgate: Let鈥檚 get to the bottom of this鈥 (the TC has some very clever headline writers).
Then a Saanich man will step forward and, while coaxed by the cameras to drop trow just enough聽for the photos we all want to see, tearfully declare himself devastated by Trudeau鈥檚 鈥渢ailism.鈥
This will force Trudeau to go on the defensive: 鈥淚 misspoke. Unlike聽 my Conservative, Green聽and New Democrat opponents, my government remains fully committed to a nation in which all 91原创s may聽display their vestigial tails. As a聽sign of my commitment, I聽promise to grow one myself, because it鈥檚 2019.鈥
In a cheeky piece of programming CHEK will air Wag The Dog, a documentary on democracy in action.
Two weeks to go before we set the course for the next four years.
