Dear Lisi: How do you deal with double standards? My husband and I have an adult daughter (30 years old) who, in the last few years, shows little to no interest or compassion when it comes to other family member’s health concerns. She is uninterested if another family member has been treated poorly by someone else or is upset about something (unless it directly relates to her). Recently, her brother broke his ankle, and she didn’t call him to see how he was doing, let alone show she even cared. It’s very cold and hurtful.
No one’s expecting her to solve other’s problems but acting like a kind human being surely would benefit everyone. Seeing as she cares about her image so much, you’d think she could at least “act” like she cares. She loves to pretend she’s some sort of warrior for strangers or people she reads about in the news. In other words, she virtue signals being a good person, but doesn’t act like one to real people she knows. Yet when she’s upset about something, she wants the rest of the family to drop everything and be there for her, otherwise we’re labelled uncaring.
She is the uncaring one, and has shown little to no empathy, compassion or even interest when her family are hurt or upset by something. For years, we as a family have always been there to listen, to show support, etc. But once she stopped showing it in return — for any of us! — it hurt us a lot. Her father and I, and her siblings, have all tried speaking to her about this. She responds by ghosting us for months at a time, no matter how diplomatically the issue is raised.
We are at our wit’s end. We thought perhaps we would try giving her a taste of her own medicine, showing her what it feels like, in hopes that she might learn from it. So much for the lesson…. it’s fallen flat and hasn’t affected her in the slightest. She shows more love and care towards her pets than her own family.
We’ve come to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care about any of us anymore. The word hypocrite certainly comes to mind.
Uncaring progeny
You didn’t ask a particular question, but my understanding is that you wonder how she became this way, and how you can get through to her. I hear you. It’s very, very confusing for parents (and other family members) when one person shows opposing traits that negatively affect everyone.
You say you’ve tried speaking to her, but have you only told her how you feel and what you don’t like? Have you asked her how she feels, what she would like out of your relationship (and those with her siblings and other family members), and what she would expect in return? Perhaps she’s giving what she’d like to receive.
Explain to her how you feel, quietly, as her mother. Do NOT try to change her. At 30 years old, she is who she is and only SHE can implement change, and then only if she wants to. Explain to her that if she’s not going to reach out to her brother when he’s suffering a broken leg, he’ll feel hurt and then not want to reach out to her.
As obviously strange as it is to you and me, it may not be how she’s wired. Remember this – you cannot change how other people behave. You can only change how you react to other people’s behaviour. So, lower your expectations. That way instead of being constantly disappointed and annoyed, you can be pleasantly surprised when she steps up.
You can still love her as your daughter but protect yourself from being hurt.
FEEDBACK Regarding the pool party (FEEDBACK Aug. 23):
Reader — “Fifty teenagers at a pool party, and the parents left? Nice that the kids cleaned up. Also, nice that no one drowned. Did these parents inform other parents there would be no supervision? Unless they arranged for a paid, certified lifeguard to be on duty, this was utterly irresponsible behaviour. They may have trusted their own daughter to behave but they couldn’t possibly have known enough about 50 of her friends to have equal confidence in them.”
Lisi – You’re looking for details that weren’t shared. This FEEDBACK never mentioned it was a pool party. However, in my experience, most pool parties have a lifeguard on duty. At 18, many of these kids could be lifeguards themselves. But that wasn’t the issue at hand, which is probably why it wasn’t mentioned. I’m not sure why you’re looking to stir up something negative.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
