Dear Lisi: My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We have two young school-aged children. I do drop-off duty three mornings a week and pickup duty the other two. We walk/stroller to and from, or if we drive, I park and walk them in. As a result, I see many other parents at the school.
There’s one mom there whenever I’m there who looks so much like my wife that I have done a double-take several times. We have caught each other’s eyes on occasion, and I feel a strange sense of attraction and flirtation. I think she feels it too because of the way she smiles and looks away.
I’m afraid to talk to her … but it seems inevitable. What do I do?
Doppelgänger
You’re building up a scenario in your head that you can avoid. Don’t let your imagination run wild. I wouldn’t seek her out specifically, but when the opportunity arises, you can say hello. The lead-up is creating a situation that doesn’t exist. Who knows what will happen after that initial hello, but I’m guessing nothing. You might see that up close, she doesn’t look that much like your wife, that she has bad breath, that she whines when she speaks, that there’s no attraction there other than the imagined one in your head.
More importantly, I believe your excitement stems from those days before children when your wife gave you butterflies in your stomach and the urge to flirt with her. Focus on regaining some of that. There’s no doubt that the day-to-day of raising children and building a life dampens some of the mystery and excitement from the days of romance and lots of sex. But you can find ways to eke out those special moments. Invite your wife on a date night and drop the kids at your parents’ for a sleepover. Win-win for everyone!
Dear Lisi: I’m nervous, excited and anxious about the upcoming holiday season. My boyfriend has invited me to go away with his family. His parents are traditional, so I will be sharing a room with his sister, and he will be sharing a room with his two brothers. They haven’t asked me to contribute financially, though I bought my own plane ticket.
But I don’t really know his sister, or his parents that well. I’ve hung out with both of his brothers as we’re all close in age, and we get along great. They’ve been teasing me about the trip, and my boyfriend says to ignore them, but there must be some truth to what they’re saying.
I don’t know how to pack, as in, are they casual or fancy? And where we’re going can go either way. It can be a laid-back vacation of relaxation, or a busy vacation filled with activity.
I feel as though I’m playing a game without any rules. What do I do?
Green Girlfriend
Talk to your boyfriend, NOT his brothers. Ask him about his parents. Ask him how he thinks they’ll spend their days, and how he thinks you two will spend yours.
Check the weather and bring options. Bring accessories that can dress an outfit up, or down. For example, bring a little black dress; accessorize with a funky belt, jean jacket and sandals for the casual look; and heels, a fancy purse, and a beautiful necklace for the elegant look.
If you have any female friends in common, ask them for advice. And then just be yourself. He loves you for who you are, and they obviously want to get to know you. Offer to pay for your part of every meal and/or one entire meal as a gesture of gratitude.
FEEDBACK Regarding stepmom “over” parenting her stepdaughter (Oct. 4):
Reader — “This lady appears to be resentful about her husband’s ‘unavailability,’ and that’s clearly spilling over into how she relates to ‘his’ daughter.
“She had no problem being maternal with her own offspring, but now, a child whose father leaves much of the heavy lifting to his wife, also must deal with her stepmother’s obvious distancing. Seems unfair. This is a husband issue, not a stepdaughter issue.
“However, the core problem here is, this woman presumably knew he had a child when they married. When we commit to someone with children, we’re committing to the present and future family unit as well. She’s trying to change the rules of the game, and ‘his daughter’ is the one who will be shortchanged.
“Your suggestion to work on schedules doesn’t sound like something her husband would be available for. I guarantee he would be ‘busy’ elsewhere. (Thus, exacerbating her resentment….)”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
