Dear Lisi: My husband’s niece is getting married next July and it’s a very small wedding. She has six first cousins, four of whom are in relationships. Of those four, all but one (my daughter) are invited to bring their partner as their plus one. She is giving plus ones to some cousins because, “we are besties, and they are involved in my everyday life.” Ironically, of all of them, my daughter has been with her partner the longest. When my husband inquired with another cousin to find out who was allowed to bring their partner and who wasn’t, he received a text from his niece saying, “Hey! I’d appreciate it if you would text me instead of the family with questions or concerns about the guest list.”
My husband’s mother, the grandmother, is understandably quite upset about this as she thinks it’s unfair to allow some but not others to bring their partner. We are feeling unwelcome and disrespected and don’t want to go to the wedding at all. Are we wrong to feel this way?
Family Favourites
Of all the celebratory moments in our lives, weddings cause the most issues and the most problems amongst family and friends. If your numbers are correct, then being the only one left out of inviting their partner seems unnecessarily unkind.
I suggest that your daughter call her cousin up directly. From your description, she is an adult and should handle this herself. Your daughter could gently ask her cousin if she could, please, bring her partner as they have been together for x number of years. If the cousin still says no, I suggest she ask her why and point out the inequality of the exclusion. Then it’s up to your daughter whether she feels dissed by her cousin’s decision. If she does, she doesn’t have to attend. And if you feel strongly about supporting her, neither do you. But I think your husband should go and represent your family either way.
Dear Lisi: My girlfriend’s favourite colour is peach. I hate it. With her skin tone, she looks great in a peach sweater or hoodie. But everything she has is peach! Her bedspread, her phone case, the blanket on her couch — even the jacket she found for her small dog. It’s just over the top and a turnoff.
But how can I say to her, “I like you but your penchant for peach is pushing me away….?” That seems like straight out of a bad movie. And besides, I do really like her.
By the way, for both of us, this is our first active gay relationship. Our friends are really rooting for us, as are our families. What should I do?
Princess Peach
Be honest, both with your girlfriend and yourself. Are you using the colour scheme as an “out?” Is this relationship not working out for you for other reasons? Figure that out first before blaming the shy sister of Barbie’s pink.
Then talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you’re feeling. Whatever the cause of your unrest, if you discuss it, there’s a possibility things could change. If you don’t, they won’t.
Also, your girlfriend deserves to know the truth. If it is her colour co-ordination that’s pushing you away, is that the mountain she wants to climb at all costs? Maybe she cares about you enough to tone down her Pantone. You won’t know until you ask.
FEEDBACK Regarding the tired wife (July 25):
Reader — “Good grief! A woman with a demanding job and two young kids treats herself to a week of lie-ins while the kids are on vacation with grandparents and her husband is up in arms at her idleness. Sounds like he’s got workaholic issues — and the resentments of an anal-retentive personality.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the 75-year-old who wants to retire (July 31):
Reader — “Giving her boss and renter one year’s notice would be extremely generous! Who knows how long she has to live and what the housing market will be like in three years?”
Dear Readers — Some readers, closer in age to the letter writer than myself, strongly disagree with my advice to the 75-year-old woman ready to retire from her long-standing job with her lawyer employer, and move into a smaller, mobile home retirement facility (July 31).
I focused on her employer’s desire for her to stay on until HE is ready to retire in 10 more years, plus the 10 years left on her mortgage. I’m all about compromise, so that was my angle.
I believe I gave her something to think about, but if she’s done, she’ll know it and move on.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
