Dear Lisi: My brother’s girlfriend is awful and I can’t understand what he sees in her. She’s controlling, demanding, spoiled, entitled, cold and unfriendly. When she comes over for dinner, she doesn’t offer to help in the kitchen, clear plates, or thank my parents for the meal. My mom is trying not to say anything because she told my brother how she felt about his last girlfriend and that didn’t go over well. She was no prize either.
I really don’t understand why my brother chooses these girls who are so completely different than our family. We are warm, friendly, laugh a lot and spend a lot of time together. My mom is so generous and kind — she’d do anything for anyone. She raised us to be helpful in the kitchen, to always say thank you, to be polite.
Why do you think he’s attracted to someone so different, but in all the wrong ways?
Sibling Surprise
You didn’t mention how old you or your brother are, but if I’m guessing you’re all teenagers, I would say that he is just testing the waters. Maybe she went after him and he just went along with it, for now. Maybe he likes a take-charge partner. There could be many reasons why he’s with this girl.
In the meantime, don’t let her bother you so much. The next time she comes over for dinner, ask her to help you in the kitchen. Maybe her mom doesn’t cook, and she isn’t comfortable in a kitchen. After the meal, ask her to help you clear the plates. Maybe at her house they eat off disposable dishes or have a staff waiting on them and never have to help. Who knows?
More importantly, make a point of thanking your mom for dinner (if she’s the one who did the cooking), and suggest that the girlfriend do the same. If she doesn’t change — or dump your brother and run — then I would talk to your brother and see what he thinks, and how he feels about her behaviour.
Dear Lisi: My husband keeps asking me to go on a date with him. It’s starting to get annoying. Doesn’t he understand that I’m exhausted? I work full-time, and we have three young kids who are all school-aged. One is still in need of teeth brushing help! There’s shuttling here and there, school, activities, after-school sports, playdates, parties etc. And there’s all the grocery shopping, food prep, making lunches …. I don’t have any energy left to watch TV, let alone go on a date. What is he thinking?
Done Dating
What he’s thinking is how to keep the romance alive in your relationship, which is a VERY GOOD THING. You NEED to date your spouse in order to maintain that “thing” between you that brought you together in the first place. You clearly need a break from your daily responsibilities, and no doubt he does as well.
With all that you mentioned, you left out what your husband’s life looks like. I assume he also works full-time, and hopefully helps in all the shuttling back and forth. Maybe he even coaches one of your kid’s teams. You two need some time “off” — which is EXACTLY what a date night can do for you.
Schedule something fun, something that doesn’t include discussing who’s in charge of getting whom, where. Go to the theatre, a movie, plan a meal and cook, or bake something fun. Schedule a game night with friends and include a game where you two need to partner up, such as charades. Working together as a team will strengthen your bond, even over silly activities.
So, say YES and go on a date with your hubby!
FEEDBACK Regarding caregiving (Oct. 18):
Reader – “Many people only look at the financial cost of retirement and care facilities. But they forget the emotional cost to the caregiver.
“I would STRONGLY advise looking for a care facility. Her dad will be monitored 24/7 by multiple personnel. She can, and should, visit on a regular basis. She’ll still need to take him to appointments. But the daily stress will no longer be on her.
“Caregivers often forget their own mental and physical health. If they diminish in either capacity, then they’ll no longer be an effective caregiver.
“There are many organizations who can help with the emotional support. I would strongly suggest subscribing to the Caregiving Essentials Webinar Series by McMaster Alumni [email protected]. They specifically had a webinar on “Care Mapping: A Tool for Clarity & Wellbeing.” You do not need to have attended McMaster, and it’s open to everyone.
“She is NOT alone.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
