Dear Lisi: My new boyfriend has a teenage daughter, and I cannot understand their relationship at all. I grew up in the middle of five kids with two older brothers, a younger sister, and a baby brother. This girl is an only child.
We grew up comfortably, but we were not wealthy. I rarely got hand-me-downs because my older sibs were male, but my wardrobe was anything but excessive or fanciful. We were never hungry, we went on family vacations, we had everything we needed and mostly what we wanted.
This young girl has two of everything — one at each home — gets taken on incredible holidays and is continuously asking for more and receiving it. All she has to do is say, “Daddy, please….” And he says yes. She’s still young, so she’s not out drinking and partying — yet. I can see it’s not far off. So, her requests are mainly innocent, but….
My boyfriend has made a decent amount of money and wants to give his daughter everything. I get that. But he’s raising her to be a spoiled little girl. When I’m invited over for dinner, she spends the entire meal looking at her phone. She’ll often share things with us, but there’s no time for meaningful conversation. She jumps up when she’s done, doesn’t help clear the table, and walks away without so much as a thank you.
I’m not sure I want to be part of this dynamic.
Three’s a crowd
Your relationship is new, and you’re already disenchanted with his daughter, her behaviour, and the way they interact. Nothing is forcing you to stay with this man.
He is clearly trying to cover up any guilt he feels for whatever reason he and this girl’s mother are no longer together. I would agree with you that, from your description, he’s not doing her any favours by spoiling her, but that’s not for me to judge. Nor you. But you don’t have to stay and be a part of it.
Depending on how much you like this guy, you could talk it through with him, but be prepared that he will side with his daughter from the get-go. They’ve been doing this dance longer than you’ve been in the picture. You’ll know as soon as you mention it whether he’s willing to make any changes, and then you’ll know exactly what to do.
Dear Lisi: My brother, his friend and I are stressed out by friends who text us every morning to say, “good morning.” The person who texts me adds hearts and kisses. Perhaps we seem ungrateful, but it’s stressing the heck out of us.
Each of us has politely asked the different texters to stop, yet they persist and don’t understand that this is an issue. The issue is that they expect us to stop and reply every morning. Honestly, they wouldn’t phone us every day to say good morning, yet they think it’s OK to text and make us stop our day and text back.
How do we get them to stop, short of blocking their numbers? This is going to ruin long-term friendships.
Too early to text
I would do your best NOT to ruin long-term friendships. You say you each have asked your personal early morning texters to stop and they haven’t. Maybe, for whatever reason, they feel the need to do this for their morning routine and can’t stop. I suggest simply telling them that though you appreciate their morning message, it comes at a time of day when you don’t have the time or the energy to respond. So, either they stop texting morning messages, or they continue to send but without any expectation of a response.
FEEDBACK Regarding short end of the stick (July 22):
Reader – “If his ex-wife is reasonable enough to intervene with their daughter to help foster a good relationship with him, great. If not, he should set his daughter straight on the major facts of the case, once, and without vitriol. It doesn’t require going through examples, nor specific details about sexual infidelities. Just the facts as he has outlined them in his letter.
“It’s true children shouldn’t be involved in divorce issues over which they have no control (finances, adultery, etc.). But once they become adults, and if they are having major issues with one or both parents, they deserve to be provided with correct information instead of making decisions, even forming their life outlooks, on half-truths, suppressed facts and/or outright lies. Divorced parents of adult children don’t have to be martyrs to protect an idealized image those children might have of their parents.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
