Dear Lisi: I’m at a crossroads. I’ve raised three children, the youngest heading off to university next fall. My husband has one child, and she has just started middle school. I’m done. I’m not interested in parent night, or volunteering at lunch or going on any field trips. Been there; done that.
Don’t misunderstand — I love my stepdaughter, I’m just over that section of life. The problem is that my husband is never around (probably why his first marriage didn’t work), and can rarely fit any of these parental extracurriculars into his schedule. I have a light schedule, as I work for myself, recently sold my business and am winding down my involvement.
But I didn’t retire to go backward in my daily activities. I don’t want to serve lunch! I also don’t want to hurt my stepdaughter, and I want to support my husband. What do I do?
Been there….
You sit down, first with your husband and then the three of you and set up a schedule. Your stepdaughter is still young, which is why I believe you need to talk to your husband first privately. She doesn’t need to hear, again, that he’s mostly unavailable. She’s already been through that with her own mother.
Get the schedule of all things parent involved, look at his schedule and find something he can commit to once a month. If that’s too often, once every other month, or once a term. Whatever. Then you do the same. Once you’ve figured out your own schedules, you can bring her into the discussion. Maybe she doesn’t need/want either of you to go apple picking. Maybe her mother has already agreed to go apple picking.
The point is, if you set the schedule now, there’s no scrambling, hurt feelings, and/or disappointment. And if by chance her mom or her dad has to cancel last minute and you can step in (no pun intended), then great. Otherwise, you do whatever makes you happy in this section of your life.
Dear Lisi: My tween is turning into a teen … and I can’t handle it. There is so much eye rolling going on, I may have to take a trip to the optometrist. I also clearly need a lesson in English because I don’t seem to speak the same language as my daughter or her friends.
I’m also wondering if I can start charging my daughter Uber rates, since I seem to exist solely to drive her and her friends hither and thither (she has no idea what those two words mean). That income would help pay for the new wardrobe pieces she seems to NEED on a daily basis. I mean, if Morgan or Alexis have new UGGs, shouldn’t my daughter?!?
Apparently, I also need a makeover — bad hair, bad shoes, terrible fashion choices, and why did I ever think being a dental hygienist was a cool idea?
Seriously, how am I going to get through this? I miss my sweet little girl who played with her Hatchimals and wanted to cuddle on the couch after dinner.
Where’s My Baby?
It’s all about ages and stages. Remember the newborn phase? I missed that teeny-tiny infant when they grew into babies who sat up. Remember the sticky toddler hands? You probably don’t miss those.
My point is, there are beautiful aspects to every stage of your child’s growth, and some aspects that you won’t miss when they move on to the next stage. But your success as a parent is in the growth of your children. Take deep breaths (as opposed to the days of holding your breath while changing those pungent diapers), because I assure you, this too shall pass.
FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter’s friend’s lineage (Aug. 8):
Reader — “Welcome to the age of social DNA. How many people are discovering siblings they didn’t know they had, or that who they thought were their parents, are not their birth parents?
“This is not her issue, or her daughter’s issue. It’s her ex-fiancé’s issue. But he doesn’t seem to be in the picture anyway.
“Also, is she certain? I would say that NOTHING needs to be said until something needs to be said. And that day may never come.
“If the friendship continues and the friend comes for a visit, it’s OK to ask about her parents, siblings, family. Maybe she’ll get her confirmation. Or maybe she’ll have averted a very embarrassing situation.
“You could always Google this girl’s last name and see what comes up. Perhaps there are more than you think and it’s just a coincidence. Or, who knows?”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
