Dear Lisi: My son’s friends come over often on the weekends, to hang out, or just congregate before going out. Sometimes they end their night here, which I like because then I don’t have to worry about getting my son home. I enjoy many of his friends, some I’ve known since they were little boys, and I’m thrilled to host them in our home.
What I don’t like is how they leave the place when they exit. I am always shocked to see near empty pizza boxes, bits of crust, soda cans, candy wrappers and chip bags strewn around. I have purchased a large garbage bin which sits near the washroom in plain sight.
Recently I asked my son if this is how he behaves at other peoples’ homes and he was adamant that he does not. So why do his friends think it’s OK to treat my house like a dorm room?
Garbage Dump
It’s not OK for your son’s friends to treat your home this way. You didn’t mention their age, but if they’re old enough to be going out at night, then they’re old enough to clean up after themselves. And the onus is on your son to pick up the slack if his friends don’t do a good job.
If he doesn’t, then your house is off-limits to his friends. It’s simple.
Dear Lisi: I have a special needs daughter. You can’t tell by looking at her, and she looks 14, though she’s almost 19. She loves to dress up, play make believe, and Halloween is one of her favourite holidays. We get the house all dressed up on the inside and the outside, and we invite her friends over for an afternoon party, no matter what day of the week.
The other moms and I make fun recipes, all Halloween-themed, and we have so much fun doing it. None of us care that much about the holiday, but we do it for our kids – and we look forward to it every year.
Now that they’re older, they stay home for the first hour and take turns giving out candy. They love handing out candy to the little ones almost as much as they enjoy going door to door themselves. Then we take them out as a group. My daughter is the oldest of the group, but the next oldest is a boy who is chronologically 18, though his mental capacity is much younger. However, this year especially, he looks his age, with facial hair growth and a more manly body.
I was appalled at how many people made rude comments to him when he came to the door before they even said hello, or heard him speak. The minute he speaks, you can tell that he’s special needs, which threw a few of the adults off guard.
But why do people have to be so mean from the start?
Hallo-mean
I’m sorry you had to suffer through that. In fact, just before Halloween this year, I saw an Instagram post by a mom asking people to be kinder to teenagers who come knocking on their door. Her message was that those teenagers who still go trick-or-treating, dressed in full costume, are hanging on to their childhood in their own way. They may recognize that this is their last Halloween hurrah and are sad about that. They may recognize that they are on the cusp of adulthood, which, let’s face it, for many is far less fun than childhood.
I realize this is after the fact but keep it in mind for next year. Be kind, be generous, and have fun with the teens who come knocking. They’re just big kids.
FEEDBACK Regarding the entitled millennials (Sept. 18):
Reader – “I liked your response. You can build a good relationship with a difficult neighbour. Find common ground. I had a neighbour who was very difficult. Gradually I found things that I was able to compliment him on, and he responded.
“In the case of this neighbour with a baby I would have offered to help her clean up the garbage and told her where she could find racoon-proof bins. I would have complimented her on her lovely new garden. With my neighbour, I offered to share an abundance of fruit from my garden, which he loved, and then he shared his veggies with me. We live in such fractious times, and everyone is critical, irritated, and angry, so when we can find a way to live in peace, it’s so worth it, rather than ending up resentful and angry at someone who thinks and lives differently than us.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
