Dear Lisi: I am in dire need of the right words to comfort my son and devoid him of his self-loathing. I have always told my kids no matter what the time, the situation or the need, you can call me.
My son called me yesterday. I dropped everything to talk and listen to him. He had just finished his last bariatric phone session with a bariatric clinic where he and his wife were patients. His wife had lost a good amount of weight but gained back 20-25 pounds within the first year after completing the program.
My son was so depressed and down on himself today as he is at his heaviest after completing the program (I believe he is close to 400 pounds). He is a foodie, as am I; I know it’s a family thing as we are all overweight. I let him know that I believe he can take the horse by the reins and overcome this problem. I know only he can help himself, if he wants it bad enough. He has a bad knee due to a fall years ago and is awaiting surgery. However, he must lose a lot of weight so that the healing and recovery will be positive.
Can you please help me find the encouraging and comforting words to help him? I’m really at a loss. My heart is breaking for my son.
I just wish I could fix this.
Heartbroken Mom
I’m so sorry for your sadness. There’s a saying that “you’re only as happy as your least happy child,” which means it makes sense that you’re hurting for your son. But you were correct in saying that “only he can help himself.” He must WANT to make the change.
I suggest telling him that you understand how hard this is for him, and you’d like to help him. Find ways to cook HEALTHY foods together, meal prep for the week, even creating healthy snacks. If possible, find ways to exercise together. Your physical encouragement will do more for him than just words.
Dear Lisi: My wife is Christian, and I am not. We try to live a compromised lifestyle, and celebrate everyone’s holidays, according to their wishes. We have two young children, and we’re raising them in the style of both religions, which thus far, has been easy.
I celebrate my holidays in a quieter fashion than my wife likes to celebrate hers, but again, so far that’s been fine. Until yesterday. I came home from work to find a HUGE plastic Santa sitting on the top of my roof, and three plastic reindeer on my front lawn.
I am not OK with this. What do I do?
Double religion
Talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel. But before you do, find the words to describe those feelings. It’s not enough for you to say that you just feel it in your gut, though that is a legit feeling. But usually, people need more to understand each other.
Santa is a symbol of Christmas, true, but he’s not a religious symbol. Your wife probably paid to have someone set up the Santa, so I think you’re going to have it to leave it for this year (unless you want to bring it down yourself). And perhaps next year, you can just have the reindeer (cute, nature, quietly symbolic), and/or maybe Santa on the roof for a few days around Christmas (as opposed to a month).
As the kids grow up, your wife may want to celebrate her holidays differently, louder, more pronounced. Talk to her in advance. Discuss what her vision is and help her tone it down a bit, if necessary. But don’t force compromise just for the sake of it. When one person starts to feel that they are always being dialed down, they can become resentful.
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Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
