Dear Lisi: My wife passed away from cancer just over a year ago. We were married almost 53 years, and very much in love. For the last seven years of her life, I looked after her, keeping her at home until she died.
I wasn’t looking for a partner in my life but three months ago, I met another widow who lost her husband a month after my wife passed. We’ve become extremely close, such that she has spent time in my home.
I have several pictures of my wife and I together, along with our family throughout my home. How do I respect my wife, my family and how do I make it more comfortable for my companion to be in my home? This has come up in our conversations, and I’m not sure how to respond. I have two adult children and grandchildren to consider in this decision.
Quite honestly, I would have the same struggle if it was even longer since she passed. How does one deal with this change in life? I could use your wisdom to help me navigate this situation. I am going on 75; my companion is almost eight years my junior.
Widowed
You were married for half a century, have children and subsequently grandchildren, all with your wife. Your home reflects your years together and the family you created. The photos, memorabilia and mementos around your home are reflections of a life well-lived.
Yes, you could declutter, put some things away. But it would be disrespectful to your wife and family to remove her from your home completely. Your companion, a widow herself, should understand and be empathetic.
Dear Lisi: I’m in my last year of high school and very stressed about university. Though I’m full of energy and very social at school, I like to chill out and spend my free time at home. I don’t hang out at the mall or go to parties on the weekend. I prefer hanging out with my little sister and my dog, watching TV or playing games.
Also, I have trouble with my weight. I try to eat properly, and my parents help, but I’m about 40 pounds overweight. I know I don’t exercise enough, and I admit that after school, when no one is home, I pig out on snacks that I buy myself.
I’m afraid that next year, I won’t have the comfort of home, or access to healthy eating options. The whole thing is stressing me out and I’m snacking even more. Help!
Stress Mess
You’re not alone in all the things you mentioned. Lots of people prefer hanging out at home over partying or going to the mall. I’m not sure what your parents’ expectations are for you next year, but I’m sure there are universities close enough to home that you could still live at home, if that’s a possibility.
And you’re right — it is a bit tricky figuring out how to feed yourself and doing it healthy and on the cheap. If you go to university and live on campus, there are often meal plans, so you don’t have to think about food other than making good choices in the cafeteria. If you stay home, you can prep healthy breakfasts and take lunch the way you do for high school.
When it comes to exercise, start slow and build up your stamina, interest and physical ability. Instead of binging snacks after school, why not take the dog and walk your sister home from her school? Then make both a filling, healthy snack for both of you. Find a gym or workout class near you and go on the weekends (when your friends are at the mall).
FEEDBACK Regarding bullying neighbours (Sept. 30):
Reader – “The writer speaks of an apartment building with a landlord and refers to other tenants in that building who are not being harassed. That sounds like a standard apartment building. And noisy upstairs neighbours are, unfortunately, common. But how are they able to come into her unit, even into her bathroom? And not just occasionally but every day, all day? Is she sharing the unit? But if they’re upstairs, that means it’s a two-storey unit which would be pretty unusual in most standard apartment buildings. Perhaps, it’s a large house, divided into several units — though most houses wouldn’t be navigable for someone in a wheelchair, so that doesn’t sound likely.”
Lisi – I think you misinterpreted. They’re not IN her apartment, they’re upstairs. They follow her and her daughter from their apartment, by listening to them.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Email questions to [email protected].
