Dear Lisi: My parents divorced a few years ago and my mom has been dating on and off since then. We live together in the same house, so she isn’t alone, and as I’m still single, for now; it’s fine with me.
Recently, I realized she’s been seeing someone younger than her, who happens to be just a couple of years older than me. We are both in our early 30s, so her boyfriend is an adult, but still. I even remembered that at one point, we were at the same high school together.
I made the discovery when I came home one day and found them making out on the couch. They both greeted me, and he introduced himself before they went into the bedroom. The next day, I woke up to find them sitting at the coffee table, holding hands, waiting for me to talk about their relationship.
I want my mom to be happy, of course, and she did have me very young, but there’s still more than a dozen years between them. And he’s MY contemporary, not hers. I’m just not sure how I feel about all of this.
Cougar Mom
Don’t label your mom a cougar just because she has found love with someone younger. You didn’t say she was only dating younger men, or specifically looking for someone younger. I’m not a fan of labels.
However, your feelings are valid. No matter how old we get, our parents are older, another generation, and it doesn’t seem “normal” for your mom to date one of your peers. I get it. On the other hand, if you fell in love with someone a decade older than you, would you squash your feelings because that person had a child close to your age? I doubt it.
I suggest you speak to your mom alone. I suggest she and this new guy take some time to date before jumping ahead with any plans. If he’s only your age, he may very well want children, which I’m doubtful your mom can or wants to do again. I strongly suggest that you and your mom make a plan that is comfortable for you both. For example, during the week, he is not to stay over, but on the weekends, you’ll find somewhere else to go so they can have their privacy.
If things heat up between them, it may be your best sign that it’s time for you to move out.
Dear Lisi: There’s no other way to say it: my husband is a controller. He insists on making all the plans when we go on vacation. He insists on choosing the restaurant when we go out to eat. He insists on choosing the movie and if he ever “allows” me to choose, he doesn’t stop moaning about how awful the movie was, no matter what.
Recently, we realized we needed to move and started looking at homes. I’ve learned ways to direct him to choices I would like as well. He’s chosen a house I adore. But now there’s work to be done.
We have his and hers washrooms, walk-in closets and offices. I draw the line. I insist on decorating my own three rooms. He’s arguing with me saying the rooms must be decorated in sync with his.
Honestly, he’s going too far.
Can’t control
Yes, he is going too far. But I thought that from your early descriptions even before the move. You two need counselling to help him see his behaviour for what it is, and for you both to learn how to make your relationship work. You’ve let it go too long, giving him too much power.
Take back your self-esteem and get help.
FEEDBACK Regarding the girl missing out on fun (July 3):
Reader #1- “Maturity seems to be a major factor here. At each major transition in life, one’s friends somewhat change (high school to university, university to career, career to retirement).
“Staying on the ‘maturity’ theme, I would specifically point out that her job is in her field of interest, in other words, she is on her career path.
“Do not lose focus on your career for ‘still somewhat immature friends.’ THEY will be the envious ones in a few years when this person is well on her way, and they’re still having fun.
“At the end of the day, friends don’t pay the rent; steady income does.”
Reader #2 – “I have some bad news for Already Burnt Out: If working 10 to 5 as an intern leaves her exhausted at night, I’m not sure how she’ll handle having a real job once she graduates from university.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
