Dear Lisi: I went to a bar last week with some girlfriends and got hit on by the bartender. He was super cute, funny and we chatted all night. He even sat with me at the end of his shift. I forced myself to leave before parting ways became awkward. But now he’s all that I can think about.
Here’s the rub – I have a girlfriend. I’ve vacillated between being attracted to men and women, and for me, it’s more about the person then their gender. I guess that makes me bisexual, but I’ve never been fond of labels.
I love my girlfriend and thought we were happy, but now this guy has me all hot and bothered. Should I tell my girlfriend? Should I break up with her? What should I do?
Beefy Bartender
Whoa! Slow down! One night of chatting with a sexy man isn’t enough to destroy a relationship - with anyone. No matter what kind of relationship you’re in — homosexual or heterosexual, dating or married — if you ever leave your house, you’re bound to meet people you find cute, attractive, even sexy. There’s no rule saying you can’t talk to them. There’s also no rule saying they can’t make you feel “hot and bothered” as you say.
It’s where you go from here that matters. If you decide to pursue this guy in the hopes of a sexual encounter, or a new relationship, then yes, you need to tell your girlfriend. But if you never plan on going back to that bar, or following up with that guy, then you can tell her, but you don’t have to.
You could bring that sexy feeling back to the bedroom you share with your girlfriend and reignite some passion there.
Dear Lisi: My wife is done with sex. I’m sure it’s related to menopause because she complains about her symptoms constantly. She’s only 51 and I’m only 52. I understand that menopause messes with a woman’s hormones, that her libido can go into hibernation, that her breasts can be uncomfortably tender (therefore off limits to touch), that she may feel bloated or that she’s gained weight. I also understand there are other issues I don’t know about.
But I would think that if those things were happening to me, I would go to a doctor and try to figure out how to work around them so that I could still have sex with my partner. I’m 52! I don’t want to never have sex again! But she doesn’t seem to care or be concerned with my needs.
What are my options here? I’m horny as hell – for my wife!
Not dead yet
I hear you! You’re not the first person to write me about this type of issue — that is, one partner uninterested in sex while the other person still very much wanting to be sexually active. Menopause can affect a woman’s sex drive due to a decline in estrogen. But male menopause, caused by a gradual decline in testosterone, can also decrease a man’s sex drive.
You could broach the topic with your wife, suggesting gently that perhaps her self-acknowledged menopause could be causing her disinterest in sex. You could explain that you still have a strong desire for her and would like to find a way to be intimate. Offer to accompany her to the doctor for some basic testing and hear what the options are to help increase her sexual desire.
There’s no need to threaten her with ultimatums because that WON’T work. However, if she still refuses to have sex with you, then, in my opinion, you have every right to discuss with her where and how you can seek it out. Sex is considered a basic human need, alongside air, food, water and sleep. It’s instinct; it’s survival.
FEEDBACK Regarding uniquely identical (Oct. 9):
Reader – “Colour me ‘a little judgey’ also. I believe everyone has the right to do with their bodies as they please in their attempt to ‘stay young.’ Creams, exercise, a healthy lifestyle, surgery etc., are available to all (money being no issue).
“What stupefies me is why some people go to such extreme lengths and end up (I’m sorry to say) ugly, cardboard cut-outs. Huge lips, skin stretched supertight etc. are just not attractive.
“I had to have major surgery for a serious health issue and refuse to go under the knife for vanity’s sake. Others feel differently, and that’s OK, but…. If the writer’s acquaintance changed so much she was unrecognizable, it was not just a nip and tuck.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
