Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is the sexiest guy I know. He wakes up with a twinkle in his eye that makes you want to be close with him. He’s fun and funny, and when he shines his light on you, the rest of the world just disappears.
He makes me feel so special all the time and I know he loves me. His one downfall is that when he drinks more than one or two drinks, depending on the drink, he snores like a bulldozer and farts in his sleep.
Well, you can imagine those nights are far from sexy. But, of course, with some alcohol in him, he wants to get intimate. I refuse on those nights, and he gets angry. Luckily, he falls asleep so it’s a short-lived argument.
But in the morning, there’s lots of apologizing, rehashing, and explaining (on both sides). I’m over the aftermath. Can we just skip that middle section?
No Snore-play
The best way to deal with this is to discuss it before it happens again. He knows what he does because he apologizes. He also knows why you get upset. Make a plan that on the nights he wants to drink, he’ll sleep on the couch, alone. It’s not a punishment or a reflection on your love; it’s about compromise and respect.
Dear Lisi: I’ve been with a great guy for two years. I know he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I get on well with his family, who also love me. Everyone asks when we’ll get married. We’re both older (I’m 40 and he’s 53) and we’ve both been unhappily married once before. For the first time he’s with someone who makes him want to have a family.
I’ve had some bad relationships in the past and dealt with infidelity and gaslighting. I’ve worked hard to trust people, and I try my best to be open minded and kind.
About 15 years ago, in my partner’s last relationship, he cheated. Once caught, he and his “friend” discontinued communication until a few years ago when his marriage was ending. He reached out to apologize for not responding to her request for a professional reference.
I honestly feel that the affair was justified as he was in a sexless relationship. He recounted to me how unattractive and unloved he felt during the end of that relationship. I get it.
This “friend” occasionally has sent bizarre and childlike, but overall friendly and innocuous mail to his work office. I don’t have issue with the content of the mail (crayon drawings and hastily scrawled messages) or that she sends this mail once a year. No new mail has arrived in two years, but am I justified in asking that my partner request that she send it to our house rather than the office?
Not the ex-wife
I understand why you wouldn’t want the mail to go to his office (totally inappropriate and unprofessional), but why would you want their correspondence to continue at all? They met when he was unhappy, she appeased him, he got caught, and his marriage dissolved. Why bring her back into the picture?
I strongly suggest you ask your partner if he would consider ending their relationship completely. If he refuses, calmly continue the conversation and determine what he hopes to get out of that relationship. Hopefully he can see from your POV why it would be better for him to end it and focus on your healthy relationship.
FEEDBACK Regarding the miserable man (Sept. 25):
Reader #1 – Continue to investigate the tinnitus. My cousin developed persistent tinnitus that turned out to be a brain tumour behind his ear; it was not cancerous, but it was removed and solved the issue.
Reader #2 – Try low-level music. That gives the brain something more “organized” to listen to, rather than the tinnitus. Works for me! And you’re right, stressing about it is the very worst thing to do. We often don’t like the changes we have to adapt to, but if there’s nothing to be done about them, then acceptance is the best response.
Reader #3 – I have suffered hearing loss for many years and dealt with tinnitus for even longer. I am in my 80s and doing quite well after my hearing specialist introduced me to cross hearing aids.
I had been wearing a single hearing aid for a long time until I lost all hearing in my right ear. It was at this time cross hearing aids became my best friends. In simple terms they talk to each other and hearing becomes normal and as a bonus the tinnitus has become barely noticeable.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
