Dear Lisi: When I was younger, I used to fool around with one of my best friends and his girlfriend. They were the coolest couple, so relaxed with each other and understanding of each other’s sexual needs. They had a very active sex life in and out of the relationship, but only consistently together with me.
They would tease me about not having my own girlfriend and making our little group into a foursome, but the truth was, I was in love with both of them. I didn’t want anyone else to enter our love triangle and mess anything up. We had this beautiful set up going for almost 18 months when one day they told me they were breaking up.
Suddenly, he moved away, she moved away, and I was left alone with a broken heart.
I had other relationships, only with women, but cherished the time I spent with my friend sexually. A few months ago, I bumped into him on the street. He was walking, holding hands with a man, and introduced me to his fiancé. I felt so awkward that I left abruptly.
Why am I having this reaction?
Sexual exploits
You were fortunate to be able to experiment sexually in a safe environment. Many people have fantasies, dreams, curiosities with others of the same gender, opposite gender, non-binary – whatever. But not everyone feels safe or has the opportunity to act on those fantasies, desires, urges.
Homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality used to be more of an issue than they are today. We’re more open to gender fluidity than we were in the past. All that matters is how you feel, and how you treat people.
Perhaps you need to be more honest with yourself about what your heart desires. It’s better to live as your true self than to live a lie.
Follow your heart, follow your gut.
Dear Lisi: My new boyfriend and I were fooling around when he stopped abruptly, made an excuse about having a stomach ache and went to the bathroom. I could tell something was up; it just didn’t seem genuine.
I rolled over to get my clothes and heard him whispering. I got closer and heard him say something like, “The rumours are true.” Now I’m freaking out and don’t know what to do. Is he talking about me? What rumours?
How do I find out what’s going on?
Rumour Mill
Don’t make assumptions when you have nothing to go on. You have no idea what your boyfriend was talking about. And, if he’s your new boyfriend, why would he be talking negatively about you?
But if you can’t let it go, then just ask him. Tell him you overheard him while he was in the washroom — that’s the truth! — and you’re wondering what rumour he’s referring to. His response will give you more insight into what kind of a guy he really is.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who looked uniquely identical to her friends (Oct. 9):
Reader – “I agree the writer was judgey! I believe it’s no one’s business if a person decides to have plastic surgery, body adjustments, false eyelashes or anything else done. I also think it’s perfectly acceptable for the person who has had the work done to keep it to themselves. Even if the outcome is for the better — for example, someone has slimmed down considerably — a misplaced comment could be taken the wrong way, or maybe they were ill. A waiter once told me I must have been pretty when I was young. I laughed and said yes! I was! He meant it as a compliment.
“A better comment for the writer could have been a simple ‘you look wonderful! It’s great to see you again.’
“People who seek visual improvements to themselves are NOT always hiding insecurities. They might just want to look/feel good.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the barking dogs (Oct. 25):
Reader – “Your advice to ‘go to the country, it’s quiet’ is incorrect. It’s NOT quiet. We have three dogs, and they bark. At folk walking by, bears, cougars and other predators that would happily eat our livestock. Our roosters crow. Our chickens squawk. Our neighbours’ donkeys bray. And the frogs in the springtime are deafening. Where I live, we also have crashing waves.
“Last year, we had a new person to the area who complained because she felt ‘intimidated’ by the dogs barking despite the fence. To keep the peace, I kennelled my dogs for half the day so she could walk by. That stopped after neighbours had some horrendous experiences with marauding bears and cougars. Now the dogs are allowed to do their job.
“But the moral is, the country is not quiet. Buy earplugs.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Email questions to [email protected].
