Dear Lisi: I am fairly certain that one of my daughter’s friend’s moms is having an affair. I think I may even know who it is with, and if I know, I imagine many other people do too. I have seen them at school pickup, and they stand just a little too closely.
I clued in when I overheard my daughter and her friend talking one day. My daughter asked if her friend was family friends with his family. The friend said no and asked why. My daughter replied that she had seen her mom having lunch with the dad.
The girls are only nine, and I’m positive that my daughter doesn’t know what any of it means. I was actually with her when we saw them having lunch. I waved heartily to the woman, not noticing with whom she was seated. She waved back, but less excitedly. He casually hid his face behind the menu. I didn’t think my daughter noticed.
What do I do with this information?
Caught out
What you call information isn’t fact. Its assumption based on observation. But it’s observation from your perspective without any knowledge or facts.
I’m not saying you’re wrong. You could very well be correct. But you don’t know for sure. If this woman is simply an acquaintance, there isn’t anything for you to do. It’s her life and her right to live it as she so chooses.
If she’s a friend, and you feel safe saying something to her, you could. But be prepared that she may get angry and turn on you in defence.
Just be there for your daughter’s friend if she ever shows signs of needing support.
FEEDBACK Regarding the working woman who travels and leaves her coworker in charge (May 28):
Reader – “I work with a lot of small businesses and here is what I would propose in this situation: Depending on how large the deliveries are, a large storage box with a keypad lock can be installed to allow only delivery drivers with the code to place items inside, and a co-worker to retrieve them. Code can be changed regularly.
“Another idea would be for them to build a larger storage shed, to allow larger stock goods/inventory that might need to be accessed by the co-worker, to be readily available without entering the home.
“Obviously, frequent deliveries must currently be delivered on the porch if no one is home, so the switch to even an unlocked bench that could disguise the packages until she returns would be both attractive and keep the doorway clear.
“Otherwise, I would suggest that the co-worker could call and arrange a time to come over.
“It doesn’t matter who is right, or who is reasonable, it matters WHY the issues bother the husband. If it’s the mess, then it could simply be a matter of moving things into her office. If it’s a privacy issue, then stop the co-worker’s drop in visits. If it’s a delivery interruption when he’s at home, a sign at the door asking the delivery driver not to knock and to leave the package on the doorstep could solve that.
“I heard a quote in a movie about how it’s not the big things that cause a lot of long-term marriages to end. It’s the buildup of little things over time until you just can’t get out from underneath it.
“Figuring it out can bring you both together. Imagine sitting down with him this weekend and saying, ‘I heard what you said about problems with my business when I travel. I have a few ideas that we could look at and maybe we can figure something out.’
To quote Dr. Phil, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
Dear Lisi: I am feeling so low, and I just can’t get out from under it. Everything seems to be going wrong. I just finished a contract job that I was sure they were going to renew, but they didn’t. My boyfriend just suggested we take the summer “off.” And my two closest girlfriends have rented a cottage for two weeks with their boyfriend/fiancé, leaving me out.
Summer sucks
That does sound like a lot, and I can understand why you’re feeling crappy. I strongly suggest you talk it through with someone – not a one-off conversation, but a few over a few weeks.
Start looking for other friends to hang out with especially during those two weeks; get your resume together and start sending it out to other potential clients; and take the time away from your boyfriend to think about the relationship and decide if it’s still something you want.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
