Dear Lisi: My sister has it all. She married her high school sweetheart, had three children, and spent her days as a stay-at-home mom. Her husband worked hard and created a hugely successful business that has paid off. They have a large home, a large summer home, and a large warm weather winter getaway home. They travel often, and their children have never wanted for anything.
I got pregnant while dating a nice guy, though neither of us were in love. We got married, then lost the baby. We stayed together until his drinking became abusive.
I took years to recover but found another nice man with whom I had two children. He was killed in a tragic accident that left me a widowed single mom. One child has worked through her loss and grief and is in her late teens. The other child has not and I’m always on edge wondering how his pain will manifest.
My sister and her husband don’t help. They don’t need to take care of me, but they could include my children in their family activities and travels. They fly private and usually rent multi-room villas when they travel, so plenty of space for my kids. The cousins try to be close on their own, but my brother-in-law steps in.
I need the family support and the love of my sister. Why is she dumping me?
Sad Sis
I’m sorry your sister has disappointed you. She sounds weak, dependent on her husband for her whole life. Reach out to her for love and support. She needs it as much as you do.
FEEDBACK Regarding grossed out mom (Aug. 1):
Reader — “I want to give my feedback but I’m afraid no one will understand, just as no one understood 49 years ago. Aug. 1 is my babies’ birthdate. After they were born, I had postpartum depression, PMS, depression, loneliness and no support. I was just supposed to know what to do with two messy, hungry, screaming babies. Our church frowned on counselling, so I was stuck and lonely. I despaired at ever being able to find the energy to care for the babies and have some ‘me’ time to even read a book. They were less than a year old when I went to the doctor for help; he shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘They’re yours now.’ I left feeling worse than ever.
“Months later we moved, and the depression deepened being more isolated from friends and family. I went to another doctor who said, ‘Women used to go out and buy a hat at times like this.’ When I became so ill, I went into hospital. We had help from CAS but over time, as I didn’t recover, the family came along and suggested putting them up for adoption. Which we did, to close relatives. Trouble was and continues to be, relatives see me as the problem, the bad person who couldn’t care for her children. It was and is easy to judge and not come up with concrete help.
“My children know I am their mother and hate me because they heard horrible untrue stories all their lives. Two years ago, a counsellor heard my story and expressed anger toward my late husband (we divorced prior to his passing) because he should have been on my side and found help for us and refuted all the hateful stories.
“Yes, time passes, babies grow out of diapers, but when you’re in it, feeling hopeless and helpless, it’s hard to see the way through. I hope and pray that this lovely lady finds wonderful helpers and caring counsellors. I have hoped for years that my story could help someone.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the frizzy-haired wife (Sept. 24):
Reader — “I love your column. I like the way you take every issue seriously and do your best to find balance.
“I loved how you heard the love this man had for his wife in his description of her declining appearance. A lot of people would have snapped at him; but you listened and responded with empathy.
“I think the idea of a date night is nice, but another option might be to consider a makeover coach. I did this when depressed and newly retired. They assess you and then find hairstyles that suit your face and time. They can also find wardrobe pieces that flatter and help you declutter the clothes you have. It would make a great Christmas or birthday present. Alternatively, a lot of higher end stores have personal shoppers.
“So, a wardrobe coach or a gift certificate to a big store would be helpful.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send questions to [email protected].
