Dear Lisi: I started dating a guy when I was in my 20s. We dated for almost six years before he proposed, but we were already living together. We had a dog together, a nice life, and I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with…. until he wasn’t.
Once we were married, he really did change overnight. He no longer woke me up with a kiss on the tip of my nose and a hot cup of coffee by my bed. In fact, more often than not, he was gone by the time I woke up – no note, nothing. I’m not a panicker so at first, I thought he had gone to get coffee, or maybe eggs for breakfast, but he came back and said he’d been running.
This happened five out of seven days a week, for about two months, but something just felt “off.” He had never been such a diligent runner the whole time we lived together before the wedding…. Why now?
So, I slipped an Air Tag in his fanny pack, and guess what? I discovered he was running to his girlfriend’s house! And I only figured that out because after I tracked him to the same house several days in a row, where he would stay for about an hour, then run home, I decided to drive over to this location. I caught him saying goodbye to a young woman with a long, sexy kiss.
I kicked him out, we’re officially separated, and headed for divorce. There’s no turning back for me. Why would someone do that? If nothing else, it’s a HUGE waste of money.
Duped and Divorced
Oh my gosh! What a story! Your husband was clearly not ready for marriage, though I’m not sure what he thought would change so dramatically after living together for a few years. It does seem a huge waste of time and money for everyone to have gone through with the wedding and honeymoon, and now the expense of uncoupling through divorce.
Aside from the financial waste, be happy that you saw your ex for what he truly is now, before you two were more entwined with children. Walk away knowing you are worth more than all of that and deserve to be treated with respect.
Dear Lisi: What expectations — if any — are reasonable with regards to friends visiting after a surgery? I had major surgery on April 16, and I’ve had a couple friends visit but someone that I consider a very good friend still hasn’t come by. I’ve asked her twice, but she hasn’t come. Before the surgery she said (without me asking) that she’d come see me, but she still hasn’t. We are both middle-aged. She works part-time, doesn’t have kids, and lives a 20-minute drive from me. I feel that I’m being immature by having any expectations at all given that we are both mature adults — but still my feelings are hurt. Any advice?
Post-op and Lonely
There is no hard and fast etiquette rule about post-op visitation times (other than as posted by the medical centre itself). There are some important things to consider, such as, asking permission from the recovering person if they are up for a visit, not visiting if you are unwell in any way, and not bringing small children and pets without asking.
However, it’s wrong to assume that recovering patients don’t want visitors. As you say, it’s lonely stuck at home all day. Depending on your personality, and your relationship with this person, you could ask them to bring you something specific and stay for a visit. Perhaps they just need to be asked or have some insecurity you don’t know about.
FEEDBACK Regarding the older sister who just moved back home (May 22):
Reader #1 – “I don’t think the laundry is the problem. (I assume the mother was unable to do anything after her diagnosis.) Depression is. When a loved one is hurting, the best thing you can do is be there for them. The dad and sisters lost a loved one, PLUS they experienced the long six months of her decline. This older sister could move home for a few months to be there to listen to them, suggest they get outside for a walk with her, and she could say to them let’s get some grief counselling. Many funeral homes offer this service. She could arrange it and go together. Getting through the next few months will be difficult. She could help so much.”
Lisi – Agreed.
Reader #2 – “Most hospitals and many churches have bereavement groups.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
