Dear Lisi: I don’t know who to turn to because I’m embarrassed of my situation. My boyfriend has been taking sex videos and photos of us without my knowledge. I found out by accident.
One day I was working from home as I wasn’t feeling well. My computer died and plugging it in didn’t immediately revive it. I needed to get some work done, so I figured I would borrow my boyfriend’s computer. I didn’t know the code but figured it was similar to his phone, tried that, and it worked.
As soon as it opened, so too did his photos app and that’s where I saw myself in a very compromising position. Of course, I dug deeper and found more videos.
That’s not the worst of it. One of the videos is of me completely drunk and passed out, after what I thought was a fun party, and my boyfriend is having anal intercourse with me WHILE I’M ASLEEP! He knows I don’t like this style of intimacy, and I told him so several times.
Now I feel used and violated and I can’t trust him anymore. But I also can’t tell him that I’ve seen these videos.
What do I do?
Wide Awake
Let me be very clear here: any form of sexual activity that was not consented to is considered sexual assault. The Criminal Code of Canada, Section 271 states that sexual assault occurs if a person is touched in any way that interferes with their sexual integrity. This includes kissing, touching, intercourse and any sexual activity without (explicit) consent.
If you feel that there is any immediate or imminent danger of this happening again, you should call 911 and an officer can help you right away.
If you aren’t afraid at the moment, but still feel uncomfortable, then you can always call the non-emergency police line and speak to an officer who can help you decide your next steps.
I strongly suggest you leave this relationship. You’re not married, and you don’t have children together. This person does not have your best interests at heart. And I also suggest you tell the police about the videos and photos so they can make sure they aren’t being seen by anyone else again.
But make sure that you are in a safe environment when you do leave and alert the police. I don’t know how your boyfriend will react to your allegations, and you want to make sure that you are protected if he gets angry.
Dear Lisi: I’m recently divorced but long separated. When we separated, the kids were still in high school. I focused my attention on them, as always, and kept up my work, but now all the energy I had been wasting on my marriage was looking for somewhere to go.
The kids will be the first to tell you that I became a bit overbearing. They’re only 19 months apart, which translates to one school year difference. Now, the divorce is final, I’m an empty nester, and I realize that not only am I lonely, but I’m also missing sex and sexual intimacy. But I wouldn’t know what to do with a man even if I knew where to find a single guy looking for some fun. I’m a mom!
Got any advice?
Alone and lonely
First, tell your friends that you’re ready to start meeting new people. Also, tell them that you would like to be invited to anything and everything because you’re feeling lonely at home by yourself.
Second, start doing your research. There are many online sites for all types of matchups. There are sites for dating, sites just for sex, sites for having affairs, etc. Don’t get overwhelmed, be cautious and have fun.
FEEDBACK Regarding Flabbergasted (Sept. 11):
Reader — “As an aging shopper and errand-runner, I’m also becoming flabbergasted at clerical incompetence. But when I accompany a challenged person and rudeness hits harder, I can resort to a wonderful suggestion from my local Alzheimer’s society. (One of many wonderful coping suggestions).
“I surreptitiously show the admin person a card: ‘My companion has a condition that causes confusion, memory loss and changes in behaviour. Your understanding is appreciated.’ Reactions are always so wonderful. People suddenly buy in. People are glad to show their best sides. This doesn’t address the general lack of common sense in a lot of situations, but possibly may help somebody in a similar more specialized predicament.
“The whole scenario is strange because it only takes a few negative comments on their Facebook pages to make differences that stores may not like. Success is so much more fun than failure.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected]a.
