Dear Lisi: I have this friend who is single, no kids, late 30s, kind of a mess. He’s overweight, drinks too much, smokes too much, only recently moved out of his mom’s basement. I’ve known him for years and am shocked again and again when you think his life is going to implode, only to watch him fall upwards.
He just always seems to skim the surface of disaster and land on his feet. I’m not sure why, but it drives me crazy. I don’t want him to fail, don’t misunderstand. I think I’m just jealous of his good luck at every turn.
How do I handle my feelings?
Failing to Fail
I think what’s bothering you is that your friend doesn’t seem to be following the “normal” path, and in its abnormality, he’s having some semblance of success. That’s upsetting to you because you (I surmise) have followed the path most paved, followed all the rules, and have only reached an average level of success thus far.
Get over yourself. If everyone followed the same path, life would be very, very dull. This guy’s doing the best he can with what he’s got and it’s working for him. Perhaps it’s not the way you would do it, but he’s having some success.
Be happy for him. Be proud of him. And if anything, give him a leg up. It’s better to help each other along the way than to step on each other or push each other out of the way. That doesn’t feel good as either the pusher or the pushed.
Also, what goes around, comes around. You’d want him to root for you, give you a helping hand, if need be. So do the same for him. NONE OF US walk the exact same path; recognize that yours is yours and his is his. And move on.
Reader’s Commentary: Regarding the man with tinnitus and SSHL (sudden sensorineural hearing loss) (Sept. 25):
“26 years ago, I awoke with the same symptoms as this young man. I was completely deaf but was also experiencing incredible tinnitus. I am a classical pianist and because of my musical training, I was able to distinguish 18 different types/layers of sound which were slowly regenerated by my brain. After several weeks, my hearing began to slowly recover. It never returned to what it was before, but I have been able to continue to play, teach and live a normal life.
“I still have tinnitus. It subsided slightly to what could be described as white noise. When I am overtired, it’s worse. Alcohol also seems to make it worse, so I have virtually eliminated that from my life. However, when compared to being deaf, it’s almost nothing. I look upon it as a small price I’ve had to pay for being able to hear and make music.
“So, I came to view tinnitus almost as a companion that is always with me. Most of the time, I’m not even aware of it. Only when tired, or situations like now when I am talking about it does it become prominent. Once I get busy, it recedes. I can understand how some people find tinnitus debilitating. But this young man has hearing in one ear. That is a gift. Perhaps focusing on what is positive can be part of the way that he can heal and come to terms with this new reality.”
FEEDBACK: Regarding the miserable boyfriend (Sept. 25):
Reader #1 – “I wonder whether this person’s ‘intensive testing’ included a CT scan. The reason I am asking this is because in 1998 my husband had to undergo a serious brain surgery (Acoustic Neuroma). The first symptom he had was hearing loss in his left ear (but not tinnitus). The second symptom was that he was unable to walk in tandem. That led to an immediate CT scan and subsequent 14 hours of surgery to remove a duck-egg sized benign tumour behind his left ear.
“I thought of sharing this information with you, in case my observation will be helpful to this suffering individual to request a CT scan if he had not already gone through this process. I wish him good health!”
Reader #2 – “The young man who has no hearing in one ear, balance issues and tinnitus needs to have an MRI to rule out an acoustic neuroma.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send questions to [email protected].
