Dear Lisi: I just found out some crazy news that has rocked my world. I spent an extra month at my university this summer finishing a course I needed to complete so I could switch schools to be with my girlfriend in September. It worked out well for me because the second part of my course is better taught, with better opportunities, at her school. I found out a great place to live and worked two jobs in the second half of the summer to make money for the school year.
My girlfriend was home for the first month while I was studying, but we talked first thing every morning, during the day, and in the evenings. We spent a week together while she helped me find my place and move in. Then she went away with some girlfriends while I was working in the city.
Little did I know she was cheating on me with one of my buddies first month, and then met up with him on her travels second month. They weren’t planning on telling me. They played it really well while I was in school and I had no idea. The only reason I know is I accidentally FaceTimed her at a random time, when I didn’t normally call, and she answered thinking it was just a voice call.
They were in bed together, almost completely naked. School starts this week and I am raging! What do I do?
Cheated
Take deep breaths. Rage isn’t helpful to anyone in this situation. If you can put some space between you and them, physically and mentally, try to focus on your first week of school. Thankfully, your program is intriguing and will keep you busy.
Once you’ve calmed down from the initial shock, make a date to go for a walk with her. Try to temper your emotions and hear her out. You’re both young, not married, and there aren’t any children involved. This isn’t going to ruin lives; it’s just going to hurt for a while.
Your friendship with him is done. He’s disloyal, untrustworthy, and clearly not the kind of friend you want in your corner. And for now, your relationship with her is done. She’s also not trustworthy or loyal. You may get back together one day…. or not. But for now, think of it as a blessing and a chance to be a better, more focused student.
Reader’s Commentary on the woman who wants to retire (July 30):
“Oh My! Woman, be assertive and take hold of your life. Don’t be so obedient. Telescope your timeline down: give your boss six months’ notice. Work full time for three months and then spend three months training a new person. There are many intelligent, capable people who can do this job. This is not your problem.
“I am so happy her kids support her decision. I think she should keep her house for investment purposes. In many places, property taxes can be deferred, but they’ll be taken from the estate.
“Has her boss provided any retirement benefits? Some people have an RRSP contribution matched by their employer
say, up to a maximum of $5,000. Perhaps a financial adviser is needed.”
Dear Lisi: My mom bought me a plant for my room, and I accidentally let it die. I’m afraid to tell her.
Shaking like a leaf
Funny moniker. Your mom probably gave you the plant for several reasons: the natural beauty a plant adds to a space; the improved air quality thanks to the plants natural rhythm of absorbing CO2 and releasing oxygen into the air; and the chance for you to take responsibility of caring for something. Tell her you’re sorry and you’d like another chance.
FEEDBACK regarding the guy who isn’t ready to be a stepdad (July 30):
Reader – “The ONLY word I have for this guy is ‘SCUM.’ I’m surprised he didn’t include the ‘requirement’ of his girlfriend to also be a virgin. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too. She’s been honest and forthright, but he has NOT.
“If he’s questioning the relationship, why have they been together for so long? She told him on their first date that she has a three-year-old from a previous relationship.
“There is NOTHING stopping him from having his ‘dream’ of meeting someone, dating, getting married, and in time, having his own family. In fact, he’s already started.
“There’s been no mention of the father of the child. Is he still in the picture? If not, then his vision of his “own family” just happened to start with a three-year-old daughter.”
Lisi – You’re too harsh. He’s just figuring it all out.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
