Tessa Lloyd鈥檚 book Forty Fathers: Men Talk about Parenting, is a collection of intimate personal narratives about fatherhood from a diverse group of 91原创 men.
As a counsellor working with children and families, Lloyd found that men often didn鈥檛 lean on each other or share their feelings about parenting. In her book, Lloyd decided to ask men to tell her about the relationship they experienced with their father and, as dads, with their children. The men who contributed, including well-known authors, athletes, artists, academics and politicians, discuss these experiences 鈥� warts and all.
Below are some of the themes that emerged in the book:
1. Subscribing to a narrow version of masculinity hasn鈥檛 served dads well.
Shea Emry, who played football for the Montreal Alouettes, said: 鈥淚 think about the 鈥榙ude鈥� culture. As guys, we amplify some very negative aspects of being male that are one-dimensional, and that cut us off from who we really are. For me, everything was so tense. My dad was there for me; I could have talked to him, but I just couldn鈥檛 do it. I tied myself in knots instead. In alpha-male environments, a lot of 鈥榩eacocking鈥� goes on.鈥�
Ian Brown, author and Globe and Mail columnist, said: 鈥淚鈥檓 as affected as anyone else by the models that were held up for boys as an example: the strong, silent, buttoned-up, wealthy, successful but cold model of success. That was a vision I tried to fight off, though the mirage lures me to this day. You see its effects everywhere, especially in the number of men who still cannot talk or even write about the crazy delicacies of human interaction, who refuse to 鈥榯alk about their feelings,鈥� who have been raised not to talk about their feelings 鈥攂y their fathers.鈥�
Artist Robert Bateman suggests getting kids away from screens: 鈥淚t鈥檚 past time to stop fostering aggressive behaviour in boys. I wince when I hear about some of the things boys are routinely exposed to. Turn off the TV and get rid of these violent video games! Pay attention to the kinds of toys you put in the hands of your children and think about the messages those things communicate. Get your kids outdoors! Nature is pure magic.鈥�
2. Men can experience a lack of confidence in their own parenting abilities when they become dads and can easily feel discounted and excluded.
Kevin Newman, former host of CTV鈥檚 W5, said: 鈥淲hen we brought Alex home, Cathy and her mum were clearly the experts. I聽should have trusted myself more. I should have tried harder and asked for more patience when I fumbled. It took a long time for me to be able to tune in to Alex, to understand his language, what the sounds and cries might mean and how to do something to soothe him. If I could do it all over again, we鈥檇 talk about it and I鈥檇 step into more of a principal role.鈥�
3. Today, many dads feel more confident, but the negative attitudes about dads prevail.
Paul Sun-Hyung Lee, Canada鈥檚 鈥淎ppa鈥� from CBC鈥檚 Kim鈥檚 Convenience, said: 鈥淚n media, dads are portrayed all too often as buffoons. I think that has quite a lot to do with why some men avoid hands-on parenting, because there鈥檚 a built-in bias. I鈥檓 a lucky guy 鈥� fortunately, I didn鈥檛 take that stuff too seriously. I wouldn鈥檛 trade those early years with my boys for anything.
鈥淲hen I was a full-time parent, I felt quite isolated. People also made assumptions, like I was 鈥榖abysitting鈥� my kids. I took umbrage. I was the primary parent. I wasn鈥檛 babysitting my聽kids, I was raising them.鈥�
4. Most men, like Justin Trudeau, Peter MacKay and Peter Mansbridge (who wrote the foreword to Forty Fathers), talked about the challenge of managing competing demands of career and family.
Alan Doyle, musician, said: 鈥淥ne of my biggest challenges as a father was learning to say no to awesome stuff that I鈥檝e wanted to do since I was 10 years old. Once, I聽missed out on a tour with Sting. If you鈥檇 have told 15-year-old me that, I鈥檇 have shot myself. As a father, I get another version of awesome stuff. I learned to put family time on my calendar. It鈥檒l have days blocked off with DAD. I聽have to do it, or it won鈥檛 happen. If you are not careful, you can miss it all.鈥�
No matter what the relationship is [was] like with your own father, you are the author of a new relationship between you and your child. So here鈥檚 a challenge: What can you do to build the kind of relationship where your children will feel respected and understood? What will allow them to look to you for support, always trust you and want to be with you?
Make it happen, for the joy will last a lifetime. Happy Father鈥檚 Day!
Tessa Lloyd is a counsellor at St. Michaels University School and has worked with children and families for 35 years. She has four children and six grandchildren, and lives with her husband in Victoria.
