Every new year, I vow to clean up a lot of things in my life. My diet. My house. Even the apps on my phone and the files on my computer.
I also make plans to 鈥渃lean up鈥� my spiritual life. I鈥檒l resolve to finally get into a prayer or contemplation routine. Or that I鈥檒l get to a church service every weekend (or thereabouts). And I鈥檒l start a gratitude practice.
Then life intervenes and things get messy. I fall behind and don鈥檛 do what I鈥檝e set out to. I beat up on myself, and the negative self-talk begins. Finally, I just give up, saying to myself, 鈥淲ell, I鈥檝e never managed to keep it up so why start? I鈥檓 just going to fail.鈥澨�
It鈥檚 a bit of a self-defeating cycle. And, I wonder, if it鈥檚 what spirituality and engaging with the Divine is all about. Do I really have to become Kevin 2.0 in order to be spiritual? Is spirituality merely a never-ending self-improvement project?
So, lately, I鈥檓 thinking about whether focusing on somehow making myself 鈥渂etter鈥� is kind of an issue. It鈥檚 also, I鈥檓 coming to understand, not the point. Rather than 鈥渃leaning up鈥� maybe I try to live out of that 鈥渕essiness鈥� instead. It鈥檚 what鈥檚 real, after all.
I was thinking about all of this when the Christmas issue of Nadia Bolz-Weber鈥檚 email newsletter showed up in my inbox. She鈥檚 a Lutheran minister and public theologian in the United States. Bolz-Weber writes a lot about grace, and this holiday missive was no exception.听
Bolz-Weber writes there鈥檚 a reason she鈥檚 鈥渙bsessed with grace.鈥� She says our world is fixated on 鈥渕aking judgements and hoarding wealth and being best and OPTIMIZATION,鈥� and that鈥檚 she鈥檚 鈥�迟谤颈别诲听trying harder,鈥� but that doesn鈥檛 make her free. It just exhausts her.听
I really resonated with this, particularly when she went on to write, 鈥淢aybe you too vow each morning to try harder so you can finally feel like you are enough鈥oday I will start meditating and become a vegan and start training for a marathon and go back to college and go to the container store to so I can organize my life and be in control.鈥澨�
Grace, says Bolz-Weber, is the exact opposite being in control. You can鈥檛 earn it, but you receive it just because you need it. Grace might be inconvenient, but it鈥檚 what is necessary. You don鈥檛 find grace, it finds you.
Not to quote Oprah, but I had a bit of an 鈥渁h-hah鈥� moment at that.听Why not meet the Divine where I am? After all, God is everywhere, just waiting to be noticed. That鈥檚 grace. It shows up in all the messiness of life. In fact, grace exists because of the messiness of life.
Yes, spiritual practices are good. A regular routine is good. Worshipping in community is great. You are more likely to notice the Divine when you make time to really look. But, God is in every moment, jumping up and down and waving ecstatically, waiting for us to see. Or whispering that we might hear.听
So, this year, I鈥檓 resolving to embrace my messy spirituality. It鈥檚 just as grace-filled and valid as the one I think I should have. Maybe more so. Because it鈥檚 real and grounded in what鈥檚 going on, right now, in every moment. It鈥檚 where God arrives to meet me.听
And, like the best kind of company, there鈥檚 no cleaning required to invite the Divine in.
(If you鈥檇 like to read and subscribe to Bolz-Weber鈥檚 e-newsletter, it鈥檚 called 鈥淛ust Throwing it Out There鈥� and you can find it at听)
Kevin Aschenbrenner is a Victoria-based writer, poet and communications professional. He holds an M.A. in Culture and Spirituality from the Sophia Center at Holy Names University in Oakland, Calif. He blogs at听.
You can read more articles on our interfaith blog, Spiritually Speaking,
* This article was published in the print edition of the TImes 91原创 on Saturday, January 4th 2020
Art Photo by听听辞苍听
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