Are you someone who wants to see more positive growth in your life, and change in the world?
I believe we听all听do. As Irish writer John O鈥橠onohue once put it, 鈥淐hange is one of the great dreams of every heart.鈥� Whether it鈥檚 creating better, more fulfilling work, improving our relationships or health, reducing poverty, gun violence or global warming, each of us has something we aspire to in life. But听how听to do it 鈥� there鈥檚 the challenge 鈥� because succeeding is often much harder than we expect it to be.听
After 45 years of working for change 鈥� in areas such as recycling/environment, creating events on the international level, healing a painful marriage, and facing humiliation so deep that I withheld my core work for decades 鈥� here are some insights I鈥檝e learned about what blocks change, and how we can make it more effectively.
Understanding What Blocks Us
Insight #1.听听We often try to change others,听蝉辞听our听life will be better.
Wait a minute; what鈥檚 wrong with that? Of course we want people to change! We want them to listen to us, buy what we have, or change their behaviour.
Yes. But think what happens when someone tries to change you 鈥� through marketing, pressure tactics, or telling you what to do. Do you feel resistant or angry? If so, it鈥檚 only natural... because most of us听don鈥檛 want to be controlled or changed. That鈥檚 why, when we treat others this way, it frequently leads to more conflict rather than the outcomes we鈥檇 like to see.
Insight #2.听听Human beings have a split mind:听A positive, loving side听-补苍诲-听a negative, fear-based side.听And both of these shape听our choices, actions and results.
Consider your best moments in life, when you feel friendly, caring, generous and kind. You鈥檙e open to new ideas, and enjoy doing what you can to help others. Now think what happens when something goes wrong. You face a crisis, hurt or rejection, or something makes your blood boil. Then a different side of us comes out. We become more self-centred, defensive and critical, perhaps even attacking others in the process.
These two aspects of ourselves 鈥� our light and dark sides (as听Star Wars听called them), or our 鈥榣arger and smaller selves鈥� 鈥� are part of human nature. But we鈥檙e often unaware which one is guiding our decisions and actions.
Insight #3.听听Much of the change we try to make is shaped by our听negative or fearful听side.
Everyone starts with the best of intentions. We want life to be better for ourselves and others. Yet听what we do听is often motivated by some type of need, upset or worry as well. For example:听Not having enough money. Fears about our future. Concerns about the state of the planet. Or frustration with people who won鈥檛 change.听When these trigger our fearful mind, we often try to听convince, force, scare or guilt听others into doing what听we听think is best. But this actually leads to more resistance, and less willingness to change, in them. (This is what happened in my first career and marriage, so I write from personal experience ;)
So what can we do to create positive change in more effective and healing ways?
What is the Consciousness 鈥楤ehind鈥� What We Do?
1)听Positive change comes from connection 鈥� among people, and values.
Whether it鈥檚 growing a business, a happier relationship or a healthier world, most meaningful change depends on other people. That means we need to听connect听what听we听love, care about and value听with听what matters to听others; and听combine听our core values, instead of choosing between them. In other words, jobs + environment, social purpose + business results, money + fulfillment. I call it building 鈥榖ridges of connection鈥�
2)听鈥淭hink听and听feel into the needs of others.鈥�听(Donald Cooper, top business consultant)
To build connection, it鈥檚 also really useful to听think, feel听and听listen听into where others are. 鈥楬ow is this person doing inside? How are my words/actions affecting them? What do they want & need? Will this idea work for them? How can I give them the best possible experience?鈥� This process enables us to understand what matters to people and what may be motivating their actions. It gives us specific, practical ways to help them. And it demonstrates that we care.
3)听Change starts with听our听thinking,听not the other person.
For me, creating better results starts first with my听intention:听What do I want to experience, and what experience do I want to give others?听Then a听shift听in mindset, from: Seeing others as separate听to听seeing how we are connected. Getting what I want听to听what do I have to give? Being driven by anger & judgment听to听acting with caring & compassion. It鈥檚 also a shift from pushing change听to听inspiring & supporting it. Without these starting points, what I do is being led by my fearful self rather than my loving self.
4)听Listening to our intuition.
Human intellect is very creative and can produce amazing results. However, our intuition 鈥� which combines thinking, feeling, sensing and knowing 鈥� is far more powerful. It gives us access to a deeper wisdom and ideas that go beyond our own limited perspective. It brings ways to communicate that are more effective. And it guides us into actions which yield more success and fulfillment 鈥� for ourselves, others and the greater whole.听
How we connect with intuition varies for each of us. Taking a moment to be still, listening inside, and asking my larger/higher self 鈥榳hat to do鈥� are steps that have helped me.
5)听Gently facing and healing our own blocks.
Past experience has given us much to appreciate. But it鈥檚 also left us with painful memories, wounds, losses & limiting beliefs. As a result, we become less trusting and more self-protective. We listen less fully to others, and to our own inner wisdom. And we often hold back from speaking our truths, living what鈥檚 in our heart, and fully loving others (and ourselves).
Facing our wounds can be hard. Yet this allows us to heal them, to feel more whole again, and to grow better relationships with the people around us.
How These Approaches Changed Me
When I began this work, I believed that 鈥渃hange鈥� came from doing what I could to make a difference while convincing others to think & act differently. This helped me to feel empowered; but it also created a lot of conflict. What I eventually realized was that many of my actions were being motivated by some type of fear, and not creating the results I really wanted.
Today, I still believe deeply in our power to make life better. However, I now try to initiate change from within, guided by my loving, connected side. And I use my thoughts and actions for change听in ways that听also听heal myself, relationships and the world around me. Having seen the powerful results of this approach, I am more optimistic than ever before 鈥� about our ability to create the changes we want and need to see in the years ahead.
____________________________________________________________
Eric Hellman听is a communications and change coach. His past projects include director of the Centre for Spirituality at Work, co-coordinator of the Sustainability & Spirituality Roundtable (UN World Urban Forum), and writer of the bestselling book听Leadership from Within听(with Peter Urs Bender). Eric also co-founded the world鈥檚 first 鈥渂lue box鈥� recycling program, which helped bring the idea of 鈥渕aking a difference鈥� into common usage.
听His latest work is called conscious change.听
You can read more articles on our interfaith blog, Spiritually Speaking,
听
Photo of leaves by听听on听
听
