While the rest of the country was digging out of deep snow and shivering in temperatures that freeze your nostrils shut, some of us on the Island were whinging about how cold it has been this winter.
Never mind that Ontario鈥檚 high temperatures were about the same as our lows; we are meteorologically mollycoddled here and we object to having to wear gloves and tuques (along with our shorts). It shakes one鈥檚 faith in global warming.
It鈥檚 appalling and unacceptable. Something should be done about it.
A government responsible to its constituents should be more diligent about shielding us from extreme weather. Why, just the other day, one of my plastic deck chairs was flipped completely over by the wind.
The party that can promise (and deliver) meteorological stability has my vote. I鈥檓 not as picky as King Arthur in the musical version of Camelot, where the rain is not allowed to fall until after sundown, and by 6 a.m. the morning dew has flown. I can accept surprise thundershowers and the occasional stiff breeze at Ogden Point. But efforts should be made to mitigate winter frost and summer drought.
But wait, politicians controlling the weather? The thought is more chilling than winter in Winnipeg.
Forget putting climate control under local-government jurisdiction. Weather conditions already vary significantly from one part of the capital region to another 鈥� imagine what would happen with 13 municipalities at the controls.
And it wouldn鈥檛 work provincially, either. You can be sure a dismal grey fog would sit over Greater Victoria most of the year, except when the legislature was in session.
No, weather control would definitely be a federal responsibility, and that鈥檚 where it gets really scary. You would think it would fall under Environment Canada鈥檚 authority, but you can be sure it wouldn鈥檛 be long before all weather would be controlled from the Prime Minister鈥檚 Office, and it wouldn鈥檛 be pretty.
Pleasant weather would prevail over the Prairies and the more conservative parts of Ontario, but we on the Left Coast would do well to prepare for hailstorms, tornadoes and ice storms. If the sun did happen to shine, an MP would show up to take the credit 鈥� until it got too hot, then he or she would immediately blame the other party.
The sun would shine on Conservative barbecues, and rain would fall on functions of all other parties. The prime minister鈥檚 corporate friends would want the weather tailored to their tee times, and poor folks would have to be content with the leftovers.
A two-tiered climate would be a definite possibility, but we wouldn鈥檛 really know about it 鈥� the prime minister would insist all weather reports be cleared by his communications people and be expunged of any forecasts that threaten economic growth.
Hopes for good gardening weather would be futile, because July would find Parliament bogged down in a debate over what day spring should start. Summer would still be awaiting Senate approval in the middle of December.
It wouldn鈥檛 make much difference which party were in power, though. If the New Democrats took over, regional differences would not be tolerated. Victoria would not be allowed to have better weather than Inuvik, for example. Since there would not be enough sunshine for everyone all the time, we would have to be content with murky, nondescript weather the year round. At a hefty tax rate.
If the Liberals came to power, it would be extremely confusing, given their propensity to move in whatever direction the wind blows.
If bureaucrats were given the responsibility for running the climate, we would be in real trouble. Near the end of the year, those who hadn鈥檛 depleted their allotted weather for the year would frantically try to use it up lest their share be cut for the following year. The last week of December would find us coping with hot spells, thundershowers, blizzards, rainbows and cyclones as Ottawa mandarins tried to empty their weather cupboards before Jan. 1.
On second thought, what鈥檚 a little frost? Despite heat waves and cold snaps, droughts and floods, it鈥檚 probably best if we leave the weather to the current management.
