Dear God. It's me, Jack. Haven't spoken to You for awhile. Being a busy middle-aged 91原创 man like myself, You'll understand. Busy, busy, busy.
Anyhoo, once again, Thanksgiving seemed like a good time to reconnect, to ponder the good things in life -- and ask You why I don't have more of them.
You see, we just learned that the latest United Nations quality of life index rated Canada as the fourth best country in the world, behind only Norway, Australia and Iceland. (Iceland? Aren't they bankrupt?)
Frankly, God, fourth place isn't good enough. Last year Canada ranked No. 3. We're sliding.
Yes, yes, fourth out of 182 might seem acceptable if you come from one of those countries that end in "stan," where the unit of currency is the goat, or where the median life expectancy is less than that of a tray of Costco muffins.
But Thou must appreciate we 91原创s have a certain standard of living to which we feel entitled: clean water, plenty of food, at least 2,000 square feet of roof over our heads, a two-car garage that isn't big enough, low interest rates, high-speed Internet, quilted toilet paper, margaritas in summer, Mexican vacations in winter and at least two versions of Law & Order on television at any given time.
(The television should, of course, be the size of Rembrandt's Night Watch.)
Fourth place (not even a podium finish!) might be OK for those nations where words like "freedom" and "infrastructure spending" and "Jenny Craig" are rarely heard, but in Canada, which we know You love more than Thy other children, we expect better.
Unfortunately, this has been a rough year. Our investments slipped, and so did I when it snowed at Christmas, which it is not supposed to do in Victoria. My hot tub broke. The Canucks started 0-3. My car has neither seat warmers nor GPS. I upgraded my computer and now LimeWire won't work. I really don't know how You expect me to go on. Is this a test, God? What's next, boils?
But mustn't grumble. Better to keep a stiff upper lip (at least until the Botox wears off) and give thanks for what I have.
Here goes:
- I am thankful for Thanksgiving dinner with heaps of dark turkey meat, extra helpings of fat-soaked stuffing, lashings of rich, thick gravy, mountains of mashed potatoes with butter and pie a la mode for desert.
- I am thankful for defibrillator paddles.
- I am thankful that even at this time of year I can gorge myself on fresh grapes, bananas and strawberries whenever I want.
- I am thankful that I am faster than the produce manager at Thrifty's.
- I am thankful for the love of my family, though I continue to question their judgment.
- I am thankful that I don't work for David Letterman.
- I am thankful that this year I finally realized my dream of being in the movies. (YouTube counts as movies, right?)
- I am thankful that there was no YouTube when I was younger.
- I am not really thankful that the radio played nonstop Michael Jackson after he died.
- I am, however, very thankful that Barry Manilow, Cher and Celine Di... Di... (sorry, God, but this is hard to say without gagging) Dion are all in good health.
- I am thankful for people who buy $70,000 SUVs, then complain about the price of gas, for they make me feel relatively wise.
- I am thankful that Thou made me in Thy image, God, but my wife wants to know why Thou couldn't have looked like Hugh Jackman.
- I am thankful that even with a life expectancy of 80.6 years, we 91原创s can convince ourselves that our health-care system is in crisis, and that we are hard done by. Feeling like a victim is good.
- I am thankful for income and property taxes, for they mean I have income and property to be taxed.
- But I will bitch about them anyway.
- I am thankful that if I find it too burdensome to live in the fourth-highest-ranked country on Earth, I can move to the Central African Republic, the fourth-lowest, where 82 per cent of the people earn less than $2 a day and the average man can expect to live to age 45.
