Dear Lisi: My husband is three times my size, in height and weight, with salt and pepper hair, and a permanent scruff. He looks like a man. I’m barely five feet tall, very petite, blond and look young for my age. None of this bothers us.
However, especially since he’s started to grey, we get strange looks when we’re out. We’ve heard people “whisper” loudly that I’m either a gold digger or he’s disgusting for being with someone younger than his daughter. We’ve even been referred to as father and daughter.
We can handle the looks; they’re easy to ignore. But I don’t like to be wrongly shamed, nor does he. And though it’s flattering for everyone to think I’m younger than my years, it’s the opposite for him to be thought of as older than his years.
How do we navigate this?
Age confusion
Good for you for ignoring the nasty looks. Unfortunately, you can’t control other people’s thoughts and judgments. Short of him dying his hair or you allowing yours to go grey (if that’s even where you’re at, I don’t know), people are going to see what they see. IGNORE THEM! Focus on each other and your relationship. You may have to help buoy his self-esteem now and again, but he should hold his head high knowing he has a wife who looks fabulous for her age and loves him.
Dear Lisi: I’m in my mid-60s, recently widowed and newly retired. My husband and I had planned a fun fall trip to meet up with old friends and have them take us around their country, where we had never been. Another couple was joining us from yet another country. We met as couples — so the women are all friends, and the men are all friends — years ago while the men were all in school together. We’ve kept in touch over the years, with gaps due to distance, health, life, etc.
After my husband passed, I called both couples and said I was cancelling the trip. They ALL insisted I stick with the plan, that it would be good for me, that they still wanted me to come, that I shouldn’t under any circumstances change the plan.
With nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to, I decided they were right. Thankfully, I got my husband’s portion refunded, which helped fund the trip, though money isn’t an issue as we had budgeted in advance for this trip.
I arrived first and had a lovely weekend with my hosts. I felt I had made the right decision and was relieved and happy. But from the minute the other couple arrived, I felt tension in the air. I couldn’t put my finger on it and asked the hostess. She said it was nothing but now I realize she was protecting our friend.
For the two weeks that we were together, this other woman was cold, distant and continually firing questions at me. I could feel the daggers from her eyes. I’m home now and I ended the trip a few days on my own in a stopover city. But there’s a cloud hanging over me and I want to get rid of it.
What do you suggest?
Senior Mean Girls
You say you asked the hostess about the other woman’s behaviour, but did you ask the other woman point blank what her problem was with you?
It’s now up to you. You’re miles apart and you never have to see each other again. You can email her and ask her what was going on, or you can just drop it, and her and the whole relationship. But do NOT let it bother you for one more second.
FEEDBACK Regarding the girl who can’t sing (Oct. 2):
Reader – As a voice teacher, I feel this is sad because your daughter loves something, but others laugh at her; and because she’s still “awful” after years of lessons, which makes me wonder what her teacher(s) have been doing.
Have you spoken privately with her teacher(s) about her challenges? You should be able to tell whether the teacher is giving you clear, detailed answers regarding your daughter’s progress — and if they aren’t, you should consider looking elsewhere for lessons. True tone-deafness is a real challenge, but some teachers can help students achieve better pitch awareness.
Singing is a true joy. Since your daughter loves it so much it would be best if she could get some tools to help her stay on pitch. What makes a singer stand out for ridicule is not being on key. Depending on why, she could address this challenge with the right teacher.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
