Dear Lisi: My father has a sister who we barely know. Growing up, she would appear at large family gatherings but never at small, intimate family get-togethers. She would at best acknowledge our existence, but she was never kind, never spoke to us, never gave us gifts, never engaged.
As we got older, we would ask our grandparents and our dad about her, but they would all just say that she was wrapped up in her own world and we didn’t really understand that. As young teenagers, sometimes we would be rude and ignore her because we felt she had done the same to us for years.
My twin brother and I have just turned 21 and our aunt has reached out to both of us, offering to take us for dinner and drinks. We don’t get it. Should we go?
Anonymous Auntie
Yes, you should go. Why not? You have your brother, and he has you, so you’re not alone. Nothing untoward is going to happen. She’s still your aunt, your father’s sister, family.
Who knows what’s been going on in her life for the past 21 years. Maybe she was ill, maybe she was going through a bad divorce, maybe she was having mental health issues, maybe she just doesn’t like kids.
You’ll never know unless you join her for dinner and ask questions. But be nice! Hear her out and then make an informed decision on how much — or how little — you’d like her in your life.
Dear Lisi: I am a male, 35 and still living at home with my parents. So, I must behave all the time. I’m single, obviously, and I like women. But I can’t just bring someone home, or watch porn, or do anything normal. My parents are always around. In one of your columns, you suggested a house meeting for the family to lay down ground rules. Do you think that would work in my situation?
Needing Action
No, I don’t think a family meeting, the way I believe you would like to see it, will work for you. If anything, I think a family meeting wherein your parents strongly suggest you move out would be more in line with what you really need.
There are many reasons why someone your age is still living at home, and that’s OK. But if you’re complaining about not having your own space, especially when it comes to entertaining, then it’s time you move out. Of course your parents are always around — it’s THEIR house!
Reader’s Commentary — Regarding the woman in financial need (Sept. 17):
I earned my degrees while a single mom with four daughters born within five years. Although I had great grades, financial aid was a challenge. When I was teaching at the university level, a student was assigned to work on a project with me as part of her student work program. She was a single mom with one elementary aged child. I wanted to help, but she refused the financial help. So, I knew she had applied for financial aid and scholarships for low-income students. I went to the Financial Aid Office, explained I wanted to sponsor a scholarship for which only she would qualify. We looked over her application, found criteria to match her (used her high school graduation location), and she was awarded the scholarship each semester until she graduated.
She never knew it was from me. It was a few thousand dollars each semester, but it provided tires on her car, which were totally bald, and paid winter heating bills. There are ways to help without the student knowing. Especially for non-traditional students. I have also helped students at other universities by creating scholarships through the Financial Aid Offices.
FEEDBACK Regarding the early morning text recipient (Sept. 5):
Reader – If you don’t want morning texts, turn off your phone or turn on silent mode until you’re ready to receive texts or calls. There’s no need to jump to the texts immediately. And if your friends want to know why there have been no responses, explain that the mornings are too busy, and responses will be forthcoming when it is convenient FOR YOU.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenage slang (Sept. 10):
Reader – I think the letter complaining about the speech of our youth could have been written any time in the last century. Just replace “low key” and “I back” with “23 Skidoo,” “square,” or “groovy.” The slang terms of the current teenagers will always annoy adults. That’s why they do it. The letter writer needs to “chillax.” I also think their use of slang has no bearing on whether they thanked their hosts for the meal.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions at [email protected].
