Dear Lisi: My bride-to-be has just asked me if I would mind if she got together with a stripper during her bachelorette party, which is one week before the wedding, next month. I thought she was kidding, so I laughed and didn’t reply.
Now she’s mad at me — but I can’t tell whether she’s angry because I thought she was kidding, or because I didn’t say no. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she replied, “I can’t even speak with you right now I’m so angry!”
Was I supposed to say, sure, go ahead and have sex with a stranger/stripper before our wedding? Or was I supposed to scream and yell, “you are absolutely not allowed to have sex with a stranger!”
Damned either way
I’m also unclear as to what your bride expected of you. And I feel as though she was unfairly testing you. Since I don’t know you, her, your relationship, or your sexual relationship, I really can’t begin to surmise what she wanted you to say.
So, talk to her. Start by telling her how much you love her, and how excited you are for your wedding, honeymoon and life together. Tell her that you’re sorry you laughed at her stripper request, but you thought she was kidding. Tell her how you really feel about her having sex with a stripper (your call) and go from there.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is a last-minute Larry and it drives me crazy! We have plans to backpack through Europe this summer with another couple. Everyone is so excited! We have gotten together several times to discuss what we need to do to get ready. For example, we needed some shots as precautionary medicine; we also needed visas and updated passports; and we needed some specific gear.
We are four guys (two gay couples), and we know that might work in our favour in some places, and in others, could cause problems. So, we are preparing for every possible scenario to avoid any issues. One of the other guys had some reaction to the medication but is fine now. Thank goodness we did it in advance. And his boyfriend had a visa issue, again, thankfully we were on top of everything.
But my boyfriend is totally ill-prepared! I don’t want to nag him to get his stuff done but I’m freaking out that he won’t be ready to leave when our flights are scheduled to depart.
How can I get him to get his act together?
Solo Scared
Organize another get together of the four of you to discuss your packing list, your to-do list, and anything else left, such as itinerary changes, hotel reservations, flight confirmations etc. Then tell your boyfriend that he needs to attend this get-together and be honest about where he’s at. Be clear that you will be extremely unhappy if he can’t make it because he hasn’t received the right documentation or immunizations.
Then, the four of you need to see what’s left to do. If there is anything you can help your boyfriend with, I suggest helping him so that you can lessen your stress and anxiety. I wouldn’t make the same suggestion if his tardiness wouldn’t affect you personally.
Have a private talk with him and explain that he’s stressing you out, that you’re happy to help him but you’re not happy to do things for him. There’s a difference. Hopefully he gets everything sorted and you four can have the adventure of a lifetime.
You’ll see on this trip if he’s really the guy for you.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the response to Growing Pains (May 29):
“As someone who had a similar experience at a very young age, I don’t think it’s possible to teach ‘not caring about’ what others say at that stage of life. It could be reassuring to guide the young woman to age-appropriate information about puberty and sexuality. You’re right about the ‘mean girls,’ though. Best to focus on your real friends. I did that, it got me through, and still does.”
Been There
FEEDBACK regarding the person with vitiligo (May 27):
Reader – “My granddaughter was diagnosed with vitiligo before she was one. Creams and medication didn’t help. My daughter took her to a naturopathic doctor. With diet and his prescribed medication, it’s pretty much cleared up. Her face, torso, and legs had huge patches. She’s 17 now with a tiny spot in a place that can’t be seen. Vitiligo is hereditary. It was a long process, but the results are worth it.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
