Dear Lisi: My husband and I get along great when we’re in the comfort of our own home. But as soon as there are other people around, it’s as though he’s never met me. He becomes tongue-tied, can’t hold a conversation, and can’t make a decision. I didn’t notice it as much when the kids were little because we were so focused on them. But now that they are double-digit tweens, they don’t need us to be so hands-on.
We went to my sister’s for a birthday dinner the other night. There were about 20 people around. My sister was cutting the cake and asked my husband if he wanted some. Instead of answering, he looked over and asked me if he wanted cake! He’s a grown man! How do I know if he wants cake?!?
A short while later, our daughter had a tummy ache and wanted to go home. I wanted to stay and help clean up. I asked my husband to take our daughter home. He offered to stay and help clean up instead. I assured him I was fine to stay and that he should go. He just stood there until our daughter started to cry.
I don’t want to be his mother. What’s going on?
Man child
Was your husband drunk or stoned? The picture you paint is one of an apathetic human, which can often happen under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
If yes, you have bigger issues to deal with here. If no, find a time to go for a walk alone and ask him what’s going on, how he’s feeling, if he’s stressed about something. Perhaps he’s feeling lost without the demands of caring for young children. Perhaps he’s lost his job, or has become agoraphobic, or who knows? You need to talk to him.
Dear Lisi: One of my classmates is in trouble and I’m not sure how to help. I’m convinced that her boyfriend is physically abusing her. She’s originally from Nigeria and has very dark skin. It’s hard for me to see any bruises, so I think it’s been going on for some time.
This is all new to me, so I wasn’t recognizing the signs. Until the other day, we were together laughing about something, and I leaned in and squeezed her arm. Her laughter quickly turned to tears and she abruptly pulled away from me. I looked at where I had squeezed her and saw that she was bruised.
Of course, I apologized for hurting her and hugged her, but then she flinched again, and I saw a bruise on her back. I tried to talk to her about it, but she made up some excuse.
How can I help my friend?
Abused Friend
There is no doubt that your friend is scared. She’s scared of what her boyfriend is doing to her and what he’s going to do to her. And I’m sure she’s afraid of the repercussions if he finds out she told someone.
Try to spend as much time with her away from her boyfriend as possible. Use your school work as an excuse. If possible, ask her if you can take photos of her bruises so she can use them when she’s ready. Talk to her about getting help. Get information for her, such as, is there someone on campus she can speak to, somewhere safe she can go if need be. Get her permission to go to the police on her behalf if she’s unwilling to go.
You say you’re convinced it’s the boyfriend, but could it be someone else? Take some of the time that you’re together to make a safe exit plan, from whomever is abusing her, if she’s willing. And if she’s unwilling to get any help, then simply support her any way you can.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend with the teenage daughter (Sept. 5):
Reader – “I’ve seen this ‘parenting style’ often. Unfortunately, it’s quite common for divorced parents to compete with one another to receive their children’s love. It would seem this man is still competing with his former wife for his daughter’s attention, which would suggest that perhaps he is immature and vindictive. I’m quite sure the daughter is fully aware of her father’s childish competition and is taking full advantage. Perhaps this woman needs to consider if she still wants to remain in a relationship with a man who is still trying to punish his ex-wife? Maybe not!”
FEEDBACK Regarding the cold neighbours (Sept. 18):
Reader – “I appreciated, and agree with, your response to the neighbours. After my daughter gave birth, she had difficulty walking and pushing a stroller. She isn’t shunting her baby off.
“I think a baby gift (books!) and a casserole would be much more effective than criticism.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
