Dear Lisi: My marriage of 60 years has “evolved” into a sexless one over the past five years as my wife has continued her “distancing.” This is her long-term punishment for my womanizing earlier in the marriage, some 15 or 20 years ago; and her own physical state for intercourse which she has not revealed to me; and her lack of sexual desire or low libido.
These are my best guesses. Her bullying and anger leave me stressed frequently. I have stayed with her in this dysfunctional setup so I would not be estranged from my one adult son who is very close to his mother, my wife.
In my mid 80s I am seriously considering ending this marriage. My wife has refused to go to counselling. We both are financially solvent and have kept our finances separate throughout the marriage. We have always shared expenses equally until two months ago when my wife refused to share a major landscaping expense on our family home.
What other options, if any, do I have? It is very late in the day to divorce, but I could do it.
Desperate and Lonely
I understand your desperation and your loneliness, neither of which have an expiry or sell by date. Age and stage are irrelevant. If you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy.
I would make another attempt at getting your wife to counselling. Without threatening her, let her know that you are unhappy to the point of walking away, and that you can’t see continuing without counselling. If she still refuses, then you have your answer.
If she agrees, discuss a time frame with the counsellor. From both a psychological and economic standpoint, there needs to be a limit on the counselling unless you feel it’s moving you to staying together. If it’s helping your marriage, then it’s worth the time and expense.
I’m curious why she refused to share the landscaping expense…..
As for your son…. He’s now a grown man, assuming as well that he lives on his own. He doesn’t need to “take sides” if you divorce. You can easily keep up your relationship with him (and his family, if he has one) without your wife.
60Dear Lisi: I believe that Donald Trump was the right candidate to win the U.S. election. The person with whom I share my desk at work, does not agree. She feels sick about the outcome and believes that Kamala Harris was the right person for the job.
In almost every other aspect of life, we are in sync. We are from the same economic background, same culture, grew up very similarly. We both have boyfriends the same age (slightly older than us) and agree on most topics when it comes to relationships.
We dress similarly, like the same movies, and could chat all day if we didn’t actually have work to do. But on this topic, we are as opposed as the North and South Poles.
How can we continue our happy work-life balance and friendship outside of work with this huge divide between us?
Politically Opposed
Unfortunately, politics can really tear people apart. You two are young and have many elections ahead of you. Not only that, but as you grow, your ideas change and your political views may change.
Agree to disagree on politics, put those differences aside, and get to work. Focus on what you do agree on and stay on that path.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the miserable man (Sept. 25):
“It’s not the worst thing and he’ll live his life normally once he gets over the shock. Happened to me around 15 years ago. Still no hearing in one ear. But no effect on my work, on things I do for fun (hiking, biking, softball, golf). Wife and kids learned to always walk on my ‘good side’ and not whisper in my bad ear.
“Strangers mostly don’t need to be told, you can function normally in most social situations (stores, offices, restaurants, movies, driving, etc.). I can honestly say that you get used to the tinnitus and tune it out (especially when preoccupied). Now I have a good excuse to avoid cocktail parties which I never enjoyed. And my wife’s snoring no longer keeps me up at night!! I just turn over to block sound in my good ear.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
