Dear Lisi: My daughter has started at a new school this semester. It’s not common to make a change mid-year, and we are all — she, us, and the school administrators — aware that this may be a tricky transition.
There was an issue at her old school with a teacher who was making inappropriate overtures. When she told her friends, they all made light of it as though he was just being a jerk, and she should ignore it. Which she did for a while. Then one day she felt very uncomfortable in the school and went to the principal’s office. That person also brushed it off as no big deal and sent her back to class. She was so scared; she called me to pick her up and finally told me everything.
That teacher has been dismissed, as has the principal who was beloved, and my daughter felt she would be a target for bullying and hatred. As a freshman, we decided it would be best to just move her after the winter break.
Her new school is incredible, the principal is warm and understanding, and there is a guidance counsellor who has been fully appraised of the situation. And fortunately, her older cousin, who happens to be handsome and popular goes to the same school and will take her under his wing.
But I’m still worried. Do you have any advice?
Out of my control
Your daughter may not have come to you immediately during this last incident, but she’s young and did what most teenagers would have done: she went to her peers first.
But when she didn’t find support at school, she came to you. She will now know to come straight to you, and she will be on high alert, and she will recognize the signs more clearly.
You have done all the right things, by finding her a safe space (new school), with trusted adults in her corner, and older peers with more experience and maturity. Now let her find her footing. Give her some time to make new friends at school but help her maintain her old friendships (if she wants to). Check in daily, in the beginning, but don’t hover.
Thankfully nothing untoward happened to your daughter and she will be able to put this behind her as she grows up and enjoys her high school years.
Dear Lisi: Is it too soon to say that I am definitely making plans to be away from my family next year for the holidays? I can’t handle the constant bickering, the one-upmanship, the bragging and the noise. My siblings all have partners, everyone has a dog, one has a newborn, and the other one is pregnant.
I always felt like the odd-man-out in my family and the chasm is just getting bigger and bigger. I’m not like them, nor do I want to be. And I know I disappoint my parents.
So, I’m out. Should I tell them now?
Holiday Hell
No. Though I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t have a fun time with family this holiday season, it’s way too early to come down on them and definitively state that you won’t be celebrating with them next year. So much can happen between now and then….
You could look in to making alternative plans, maybe even book something that you know you can cancel, but let the dust settle before slapping them all in the face.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the dog owner (Oct. 25):
“You are what is wrong about the collapse of city life. If I wanted to live with the animals, I’d move to the country. Dog people are the worst. Dogs belong in the countryside. They are not substitute children.
“She only owes an apology for making a false statement.”
Lisi – You’ve written to me, a relationship advice columnist, to accuse me that I’m advancing the collapse of city life? I don’t think so. And we’re going to have to disagree here – dog people, just like cat people and bird people and frog people, are people capable of love and caring for others. Yes, many dogs enjoy time in the country with large fields to run in. But they also enjoy the love and comfort of living with and being cared for by people who want them. ALL animals, big and small, become members of the family.
Don’t be so cold-hearted.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
