Dear Lisi: I’m in a predicament so twisted it could be a daytime soap, but unfortunately, it’s my real life. I’m a 50-year-old father of two, mostly-happily married for the past 15 years. But after one unforgettable night at a summer camp reunion, I’ve found myself in the kind of mess you couldn’t make up even if you tried.
Picture a warm summer night, the crackle of the bonfire, and me reconnecting with all my old camp friends, which involved more whisky than was probably wise. I was having a laugh with my wife’s younger sister — who is married to my childhood best friend. We were all just reminiscing about those glory days of s’mores and capture the flag … one thing led to another, and now, she’s pregnant.
Now, my sister-in-law is eight weeks along. Her mom is already gearing up to be “Grandma” again, and I’m ignoring her latest ultrasound updates. I’m not sure where to begin with breaking the news to my wife or my friend. How exactly do you say, “Hey, I’ve been keeping a bit of a secret … remember that summer camp trip?”
I’m wracking my brain, picturing all the ways this could go. Do I wait and let everyone put the pieces together themselves, or do I break the news with a PowerPoint presentation? Is there a diplomatic way to tell your wife that your best friend is about to become a dad … to your child? I want to crawl into a cabin in the woods and stay there until this whole thing blows over, but I have a feeling it’s going to take a lot more than fresh mountain air to solve this one.
Help me, please. I’m out of my depth and out of my mind, and I have no idea what to do next.
Stuck Between a Bonfire and a Blazing Disaster
You, my friend, are in hot water. But why is this ONLY your fault? It takes two, in this case, to get someone pregnant. I could ask why neither of you thought of using protection for obvious reasons, but I could also ask why neither of you didn’t stop this train wreck before it left the station.
I’m not advocating or making a political statement, but once your sister-in-law found out she was accidentally up the duff, did she even consider abortion?
None of that matters anymore because, if my calculations are correct, she’s now almost 12 weeks along. I could tell you to take this secret to your grave, that the kid might look remarkably like yours, but you could attribute it to their moms being sisters, etc. However, I don’t have a clue what your gene pool is and that could backfire in a huge way. I also think it will eat you both alive.
What’s done is done and there’s no undoing it. The four of you need to sit down and talk. You’re about to implode two families thanks to one drunken night. You and your sister-in-law need to take responsibility for your actions. You’ll be lucky if your wife doesn’t kick you out and cuts ties with her sister. You’ll also be lucky if your friend doesn’t punch you in the face and divorce his wife.
You’ve just got to let this mess you made play out.
FEEDBACK Regarding the eye-rolling teenager (Oct. 4):
Reader #1 – “When my sweet, loving, energetic granddaughter started the ‘eye- rolling’ stage, my daughter was very upset. I told her that I had had a daughter who had done the very same thing and look how well YOU turned out! Now as a 21-year-old, we have our beautiful, loving, energetic granddaughter back!” — Experienced grandmother
Reader #2 – “As an only parent of an only child, I remember all too well the changes my daughter went through in becoming her adult self. There is a grieving process that happens when our babies seem to change overnight. That little person who ran to you with hugs and love and everything else no longer wants to be in the same room with you. I lost count of the number of times I cried myself to sleep.
“But there were good days too, times when we did fun things together and got along. Enjoy them when they occur. I learned the cardinal rule: choose your battles. I had to keep my peace and swallow my hurt while going for a walk to give myself space. Be kind to yourself and remember what you were like as a teenager. My ‘baby’ is now 36 and we have a fantastic, loving relationship. I hope the same for you.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Email questions to [email protected].
