Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is EXTREMELY opinionated and vocal. We tend to agree on most things, and fortunately most of the larger issues, such as politics, religion, family, etc. But I see how other people react to him and it’s not attractive.
He’s a good-looking guy, tall, dark and handsome, but he can be intimidating (without meaning to be). And when he gets vocal about his opinions, you can see people physically change. They usually take a step away, which tells me that the conversation is getting too hot. Sometimes they step toward, and then I get nervous that a more heated argument will ensue.
I’ve tried to talk to my boyfriend about learning how to read the room, but he’s hotheaded and an only child, so he thinks everyone needs to know how he feels about everything all the time.
I really love him but it’s exhausting playing defence. What should I do?
Bear of a Boyfriend
Tell him how you feel when you’re alone together, on a walk, or out for dinner, when all is calm. Help him understand that not everyone will agree with him on every topic, and that it’s OK (usually) to let other people believe what they believe (unless it’s harmful to anyone else, violent and/or illegal). Also, help him understand that he doesn’t ALWAYS have to share his opinion, ESPECIALLY if it’s on a heated topic that he knows will cause a stir. He can rant privately, later.
If he responds in disagreement, show him how his strong opinions can ruin friendships or at the least, a congenial dinner party.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mom missing her baby (Oct. 4):
Reader – “I thought we had dodged a bullet when my eldest, a daughter, was not the moody, clothes-loving, mean, angry child I was! For me, it was my son. Clothes, clothes, clothes. Grunts for three years straight in the morning. I was heartbroken. And angry.
“My niece, who is much older than my children said, ‘Yeah, they’ll hate you at 15, but by 25 they come back as your best friend.’ My husband, much wiser than I, saw my daily attempt to talk with my son in the morning. One day he said, ‘Don’t engage. He doesn’t do well in the mornings. Yes, he’s being rude and disrespectful, and he knows that. But he is not going to change right now. Let it go or you two will be locked in a battle forever.’ Relationship with my son improved overnight.
“So, hang in there and set the rules; we did. No judgement. Trust me. She will eventually learn.
“And as for driving, I came to cherish those days. Listening to my daughter with her friends, enjoying life and knowing that she is safe, that she can call you for a ride any time no matter what the circumstance, is so important. And sometimes you get them to yourself in the car. You ask about school, or friends, or even advice. Keep trying. Let her pick the music. You’ve done your best and now it’s time to give her space to figure out things.”
Dear Lisi: Why do some women feel the need to look other women up and down? It’s so rude! I watched a woman assess my friend as we stood in line at a coffee shop. Her face said it all — she was unimpressed.
But what she didn’t know is that my friend had just found out her boyfriend had cheated on her. So yeah, she looked a wreck. Should I have said anything to the woman staring?
Protective Pal
No. It’s not worth your energy. You could have stared back, for fun. But there’s no point getting into it with a stranger.
Dear Lisi: I encountered a salesperson who was rude, curt, disrespectful, uninterested and unhelpful. When I asked to speak to her supervisor, she said, “No” and walked away. I looked for another employee, but no one was around. I left because my time was limited but what the actual……?
Now I can’t stop thinking about the situation and it’s driving me crazy!
Employee Ire
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, since we never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. However, if their attitude negatively affects you AND is detrimental to their job, that’s a problem.
Was it a large-chain store, or a boutique? If the latter, I would call. But not to tattle. Rather, I would ask when the owner/manager will next be in and go back at that time. Once there, you should get a vibe whether it’s right to discuss the employee.
If it was the former, just find a different location.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
