I filled out my census questionnaire this week. So did you, probably.
Some households got the long form, but mine got the short one, which was a bit like opening War and Peace and discovering it鈥檚 the Reader鈥檚 Digest condensed version.
My census didn鈥檛 ask me much at all: age, marital status, what languages I speak. I wanted to answer the language question with a story about getting confused and ordering half a railway with potato salad in a restaurant in Lindau, Germany, or the time when I was 17 and got decked in a broomball game in Quebec because I didn鈥檛 know the French for 鈥渨anna go?鈥� (鈥淧ardonnez-moi?鈥� I replied brightly in my best B.C. junior secondary school French. It went downhill from there.)
Alas, the census people didn鈥檛 allow for such answers, just brusquely moved me along to the next question, which had to do with my gender at birth and how I identify now. That鈥檚 new, but not necessarily on my list of Top 10 Things You Want To Know About Your Fellow 颅91原创s.
That鈥檚 the thing about the once-every-five-years census. It does a nice job of measuring how Canada changes over time in terms of age, family make-up, religion, ethnicity and so on, but isn鈥檛 great at answering the questions that spring to mind at beer o鈥檆lock.
To really gain our attention, the questions should go something like this:
1) What鈥檚 the worst lie you have ever told?
2) What is your greatest regret?
3) Do you believe in life after聽death?
4) How dopey will you feel (or not) if you鈥檙e wrong?
5) Are you happy? If yes, jump to question 7. If no, proceed to question 6.
6) When people ask how you鈥檙e doing, do you answer A) 鈥淔ine, thanks鈥� or B) 鈥淭ruly we lead quiet lives of desperation. How about them Canucks?鈥�
7) How much did you drink during the first year of COVID?
8) Your mother鈥檚 not here: How much did you really drink?
9) Do you still love your spouse? (Remember your answers are confidential.) If yes, proceed to answer 10. If no, jump to question 11.
10) How about your neighbour鈥檚 spouse?
11) We were lying about the confidentiality. Give us $50 or we鈥檙e telling.
12) Don Cherry or Kevin Bieksa?
13) Starbucks or Tim 颅Hortons?
14) Innie or outie?
15) Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling? Ginger or Mary Ann?
16) If you understand the Ginger or Mary Ann reference, jump to question 23.
17) Do you know what 鈥渃heugy鈥� means? If so, jump to question 20.
18) Did you or anyone in your cohort ever have a haircut like Rachel from Friends? If yes, jump to question 22. If your answer is 鈥淩achel Who?鈥� jump to question 24.
19) Where do you stand on man buns? If you think they鈥檙e not cheugy, jump to question 21. If your answer is 鈥渁t the base, with both feet鈥� go to question 24.
20) You belong to Generation Z, which means you say 鈥淥K boomer鈥� to millennials. Question: Do you ever expect to move out of your parents鈥� home?
21) You are a millennial. Your chances of home ownership depend on A) frugality and a strong work ethic, or B) your parents being hit by a bus.
22) You belong to Gen X, which means every dollar you earn goes to housing so you have been reduced to eating carpet underlay and selling spare children but that鈥檚 OK because you鈥檙e still living in Victoria, right? Right?
23) You are a baby boomer. What are your children most likely to inherit from you: A) the family home, or B) a large collection of fanny packs and Tilley hats?
24) On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot are you? If 10, how long have you written for the Times 91原创?
25) Should Trudeau shave his beard?
26) What is your greatest fear? A. Climate change B. COVID-19 C. The loss of a loved one D. Bike lanes. If D, how long have you lived in Victoria?
27) Have you ever faked a sick day?
28) You have 30 seconds: Sing O Canada all the way through without botching the words.
29) Great. Now do it in the original French.
30) Do you use the census to see what sets us apart from one another, or to see what we have in common?